Ep. 191 - How To Get Better Sleep

00:01     hi there i'm melissa nielsen

00:03     today we're going to talk about sleep

00:05     now i've done other videos on sleep so

00:07     this is probably not going to be

00:08     anything new

00:09     that you're hearing but maybe you've

00:11     heard it a different way and maybe that

00:13     will help

00:14     um i am if you know me you followed me

00:17     for a while you know i'm a huge

00:18     proponent of sleep

00:19     i'm a huge proponent of you getting

00:20     enough sleep your children get enough

00:22     sleep your partner getting enough sleep

00:24     sleep makes the world go around it makes

00:26     you feel so much better

00:27     and you know recently i've been like

00:29     trying to hack my sleep even more

00:31     because

00:32     i want even better sleep because i want

00:34     to be able to run

00:35     every day and get all of not like

00:37     physically around but like run

00:39     run our company like run and yeah i

00:41     guess physically run too

00:42     but there are things that you can do to

00:44     to hack your sleep here and there

00:46     but truly not until you can get to a

00:49     place of

00:50     actually getting to bed and having a

00:51     sleep so i want to just talk about that

00:54     space

00:55     um you know we talk often about how to

00:58     get your kids to bed

00:59     um runway for bedtime is dinner

01:03     and like knowing all those pieces

01:05     because bedtime really doesn't start

01:06     when you go upstairs and put in your pjs

01:09     no bedtime starts at dinner so

01:12     we talk about like sort of step stepping

01:14     that back

01:15     and if you're one of our thinking

01:17     feeling willing members and you're

01:19     struggling with sleep

01:20     please come to office hours come and

01:22     talk to us about

01:23     your sleep struggles because i want to

01:24     help you that's what we do

01:26     if you are not a thinking feeling

01:27     willing member but you want to become

01:29     one

01:29     it's really easy thinking

01:31     feelingwelling.com or you can hop over

01:33     to waldorf essentials.com

01:35     if you're not a homeschooler and you are

01:38     listening to us

01:39     and in from another capacity um

01:42     then you are welcome to try our parents

01:45     in sync program we talk a lot about

01:47     sleep there as well

01:48     so lots of places we can talk about

01:50     sleep sleep is vitally

01:52     important it is really what

01:55     helps you show up every day now i'm

01:58     going to talk about a couple of

02:00     different stages of sleep and as far as

02:02     like where you are in your parenting so

02:04     you know early childhood is exhausting

02:07     i'm not going to lie

02:08     it's exhausting but i learned early on

02:11     that if i had if i co-slept then i could

02:14     get more sleep

02:16     that was that that was a trail that

02:17     worked for us we co-slept

02:19     we had five children we co-slept with

02:20     all of them and um

02:22     it was something that was super helpful

02:25     now it's interesting because i co-slept

02:26     with children with my ex-husband

02:28     and then i cuss up with children with

02:29     eric and

02:31     it was very new to eric you know we got

02:33     married and he was um we

02:35     were 32 and um

02:38     he'd never slept with a child before he

02:40     never had a child in the bed and so that

02:41     was that was new

02:43     um when super sam was born and so but

02:46     what's interesting is just how much

02:48     sleep we were able to get because of it

02:50     so i know that there are extenuating

02:52     circumstances for some families maybe

02:54     your child's got reflex and you have to

02:55     sit up to nurse or

02:56     you know there are other things but what

02:58     i want to tell you like really when i

03:00     want to get across

03:01     is this that point it's not forever it's

03:03     not forever

03:04     so what you have to do like the the

03:07     trick is when you're in those years is

03:09     to not

03:10     make those things habits so the the

03:13     struggles

03:14     you work through the struggle so when

03:16     parents say to me i have a child that

03:17     sleeps they have reflex and i go okay

03:19     what are you doing for the reflex well

03:20     nothing

03:21     no no no what are you doing for the

03:23     reflex have you been to the chiropractor

03:25     you talked to your pediatrician like

03:27     what are you doing are you

03:28     changing what you're eating like what

03:30     are the things that you're doing so

03:31     be proactive about this sleep thing

03:34     because it is vitally important the

03:37     sleep habits that you help a child form

03:39     will be the sleep habits that they have

03:41     when they're in their 40s

03:43     because it's really hard in 50s and

03:45     beyond

03:46     it's really hard to change sleep habits

03:48     once they've been set

03:49     if you're somebody who had sleep

03:50     struggles as a child and your parent

03:52     didn't help you sort of get through that

03:53     space

03:54     you're probably knowing what i'm saying

03:56     and you're like yes i have a dear friend

03:58     love her to pieces she is a mom of

04:02     three very busy young children and she's

04:05     a single mom

04:06     and she's had a struggle with insomnia

04:08     like her whole life

04:10     and she said she can count on one hand

04:12     the times that she slept eight hours

04:14     in a stretch and so that's like she's

04:17     continually trying to hack that space

04:19     continually trying to figure that out

04:21     because it should be a continual process

04:24     if you are struggling with that we want

04:26     to get you to a place where you have

04:27     restorative sleep

04:29     is not just about the space of being

04:32     able to be

04:33     present and show up but it's also about

04:35     your body and your health

04:37     so we know that the heart and the brain

04:39     do not function well

04:41     and are really struggling when you have

04:44     those issues when you're not sleeping

04:46     well

04:46     so i had a stroke six years ago and the

04:49     thing that like

04:50     tipped it over the edge was the fact

04:51     that i couldn't sleep

04:53     and there was probably a week where i

04:55     may have slept two hours total

04:57     and that was the week right before my

04:59     stroke and it landed me in the hospital

05:01     and then i slept for 30 hours without

05:03     waking up

05:04     i thought i was in a coma at first but

05:06     it wasn't i was just sleeping

05:09     everybody was worried about that i just

05:11     slept i slept for 30 hours straight

05:13     they did all these tests and i was

05:14     asleep the whole time so

05:17     you want to not do that you want to not

05:19     be in that space so what i want you to

05:21     know

05:21     is if you are struggling with sleep

05:23     right now what are you doing about it

05:25     does it matter mom or dad doesn't matter

05:27     which parent is watching this

05:29     what are you doing about your sleep

05:30     circles so if you're somebody who has

05:33     maybe your dad listening and you're like

05:34     well i've got i'm working shift work or

05:37     mom won't listening you're

05:38     working shift work and you're you're

05:39     only you know you're only home for

05:41     like a set time you've got to make sleep

05:44     your priority

05:45     so um you know one thing that i i say

05:48     and i'm pretty

05:49     tight about this your kids didn't ask to

05:52     be born into

05:53     into that situation so you have to make

05:56     it so that it works for your kids

05:58     so don't have yours your work time alter

06:01     their sleep time

06:03     because they really need it they really

06:04     need it a couple years ago i was

06:06     teaching at a conference and i had a mom

06:08     that said to me

06:10     and i'm not it's not always popular when

06:12     we have this discussion and it's totally

06:13     fine to disagree with me

06:15     it's fine i'm big girl i don't have to

06:17     have everybody agree with me

06:18     but i know what i'm saying here is right

06:21     she said to me she said i'm working

06:24     shift work my husband's working shift

06:25     work we're keeping the kids up so that

06:27     we can spend time with them i said stop

06:28     that

06:29     shame on you because the children need

06:31     their sleep

06:32     they didn't ask to be born into that and

06:34     what i i was a

06:36     conference i was teaching in northern

06:37     california she's like well this is what

06:38     i have to do to make ends meet i said i

06:39     get that

06:40     i get that and i understand that and i

06:42     honor that

06:44     but your kids don't need to be that they

06:46     didn't ask to be born

06:48     into that space so instead what you do

06:50     is you find

06:51     ways to keep their sleep sacred and also

06:54     get your sleep

06:55     and then have that family time on those

06:57     days off um you know

06:59     it's against a lot of work seven days a

07:00     week unless you're doing two different

07:02     jobs

07:03     so on those days off that's when you

07:05     like capitalize on that family time

07:07     the rest of the time you honor sleep so

07:10     honoring sleep will help you so so so

07:12     much

07:13     i know children that struggle with

07:14     school whether it be

07:16     reading struggles mathematics struggles

07:18     or just sitting still

07:19     it's worse when they're not sleeping

07:21     right so if you've got a child that's

07:22     got behavioral issues i want you to ask

07:24     yourself

07:25     are they sleeping enough so i'm going to

07:26     read you these guidelines these are from

07:28     the

07:28     sleep foundation it was a national sleep

07:32     foundation study

07:33     done in 2015 and i'm happy to link it

07:35     just let me know i'm happy to give you

07:37     the link to it i thought it was

07:38     really really interesting they changed a

07:40     few things but like really and truly

07:43     these

07:43     are the numbers the numbers right so

07:47     um newborn so that's zero to three

07:49     months

07:50     the the recommended is 14 to 17 hours

07:53     the

07:53     um it may be appropriate for it to be as

07:56     little as 11

07:58     and as much as 19 may be appropriate

08:01     but generally 14 to 17 hours infants

08:04     so 4 months to 11 months 12 to 15 hours

08:09     so it might be as appropriate to have as

08:11     little as 10

08:12     and as many as 18 but somewhere in

08:14     between there

08:15     toddlers so one and two-year-olds and

08:18     these are the ones that are like

08:20     they want to snuggle with you to go to

08:22     bed and then they want to nurse like 15

08:24     minutes

08:25     on and off all night long so i

08:28     i extended nursed all my kids but there

08:31     was a time where i was like nope no more

08:33     babies at night

08:34     because you need sleep and so do they

08:36     and it keeps them up and if they're

08:38     waking up for that it's not for

08:39     nutrition when they're a toddler

08:41     so toddlers 11 hours to 14 hours is

08:44     what's

08:44     recommended it says maybe appropriate

08:47     for as little as nine

08:49     and as many as 16. i would say nine is

08:52     not

08:53     enough for a toddler that's my

08:55     professional opinion

08:56     preschooler so it's the ages three to

08:58     five anywhere from

09:00     10 to 13 hours is what's recommended and

09:03     it says

09:04     9 hours to 14 hours could be or would

09:07     also

09:08     perhaps be appropriate for your child

09:10     school-age children

09:11     um which would be ages 6-13 would be 9

09:15     to 11 hours

09:16     and that's pretty i see that pretty

09:18     succinctly with

09:19     with my own children um right now it

09:22     says

09:23     maybe maybe um appropriate to have eight

09:26     to twelve hours like

09:27     that would be their gap um teenagers and

09:30     i think this is so interesting

09:32     um so teenagers being 14 to 17 years old

09:35     would be 10 or 8 to 10 hours as little

09:38     as 7

09:39     and as much as 11 would be their would

09:42     be their um

09:43     their window so not more than that so

09:45     yes we know that teenagers need more

09:46     sleep

09:47     they need as much sleep as these younger

09:49     children

09:50     um not as much as a newborn though

09:54     and so much happens when you can provide

09:56     a

09:57     an appropriate bedtime routine so that

09:59     everybody's on

10:00     a nice rhythm so young adults 18 to 25

10:03     would be anywhere from seven to nine

10:05     hours

10:05     as little as six and as many as eleven

10:08     um adults so that's where most of us are

10:11     right like most of us are in this place

10:13     26 to 64. so this space

10:17     seven to nine hours um it says

10:20     as little as six and as many as ten so

10:24     i would say with that i can rock six

10:27     hours

10:27     like two nights in a row when i was

10:29     younger before my stroke i could rock

10:30     six hours probably three nights in a row

10:32     and be all right

10:34     but then at some point you're like oh my

10:35     gosh i'm just gonna fall over

10:37     listen to your body go to bed when your

10:41     kids go to bed

10:42     many times i went to bed when they went

10:44     to bed so let's back up to where we

10:46     talked about at the beginning and sort

10:48     of like how you get this going

10:50     so you know in waldorfland it is popular

10:53     to light

10:53     14 candles sing 16 songs and do 10

10:56     stories

10:56     i'm just teasing a little bit but i want

10:59     to back you up on that because

11:01     light one candle say one verse or a

11:04     family prayer

11:06     one story and then maybe

11:09     we do an audio book we do sparkle

11:11     stories at night i love

11:12     sparklestories.com

11:14     the people over there are fantastic and

11:16     yeah

11:17     i absolutely love them so i would

11:20     definitely do a sparkle story they're

11:22     short they're age-appropriate their ages

11:25     run from three

11:27     two adults and a nice short story would

11:31     be appropriate

11:32     after you've done your bedtime routine

11:34     but

11:36     that should be done early early so

11:39     dinner is the runway for bedtime so

11:42     dinner really should be between five

11:43     and six i like between i like 5 30 is

11:46     the sweet spot

11:47     so that by 6 30 you're tidying up and

11:51     they're getting ready for bed

11:52     and maybe you and the other parent could

11:56     trade off like who's cleaning up

11:57     versus who is getting kids ready for bed

11:59     do not send them upstairs

12:02     and tell them to brush their teeth

12:03     without following up with them

12:06     follow them i'm going to come with you

12:08     or i'm going to give you

12:10     five minutes and then i'm going to come

12:11     and check on you and in that five

12:13     minutes at two minutes the two minute

12:14     mark you go okay are you teeth brushed

12:16     now

12:17     oh okay i see you're you're not ready

12:20     yet

12:20     um are you in your pajamas okay so

12:24     so that way when you come into the

12:25     bedroom and you're ready for this

12:27     this nighttime space it's quiet so

12:30     no loud media after dinner no unless

12:34     i mean if you're having a family movie

12:35     night maybe but that's not every night

12:38     it's not every night and it shouldn't be

12:40     for the really little ones

12:42     we really hone this bedtime space our

12:45     nine-year-old

12:45     she will be 10 in april um

12:49     she still goes to bed um by eight

12:54     and and that was actually we just when

12:57     she turned nine we let her stay up till

12:58     eight before that her bedtime was

12:59     between seven and seven thirty

13:01     so she's nine she goes to bed by eight

13:04     she usually sleeps until sometime

13:06     between six and seven

13:08     sometimes a little bit longer um even

13:11     if even if she didn't go to bed till

13:12     nine she's still getting up at the same

13:14     time

13:14     so that's the the the space that a lot

13:16     of parents think well

13:17     if i put them to bed later they'll sleep

13:19     longer generally no they don't

13:21     but one thing that i have noticed if you

13:24     put them to bed earlier

13:25     and you get that piece in there that 10

13:27     to 12 hours in there that they totally

13:30     totally need

13:31     they tend to sleep the same they're

13:33     generally not up any earlier

13:35     if they are it's not much they sleep the

13:37     same they act better

13:39     school goes better you don't feel like

13:41     you're losing your mind

13:43     everybody's peaceful so i want you to

13:47     take a look at your sleep with them

13:49     if it needs to tune up make it happen

13:51     remember you're the only one who can

13:53     make it happen

13:54     you are in stewardship of these children

13:57     and you can do this sometimes it's

13:59     frustrating but take a deep breath

14:01     you've got this see you next time