Holding The Space

00:04     hello everybody I'm Melissa Nielsen

00:08     hello

00:09     that's Eric Nielsen we're on three

00:12     different different laces so bear with

00:14     us each cameras framed a little bit a

00:17     little bit differently so we wrapped him

00:21     because I wanted him to be able to talk

00:24     about like dad and holding the space

00:27     honey you're hung up on that cord right

00:29     there

00:29     look look down sorry yeah one second oh

00:36     that's better

00:38     yes there you go so I wanted to have

00:40     like dad's perspective because I think

00:42     holding this face is a big deal

00:44     mm-hm in fact we have we've done this

00:47     training program before it's like a free

00:49     video and when people have to do it

00:51     again the summer called straight talk

00:52     about your kids bad behavior and often

00:57     when we're doing that what comes out is

00:59     that the bad behavior is is always tied

01:03     to mom and dad yes like always but

01:06     before we talk about that I want to talk

01:08     about our thinking feeling willing

01:09     program so so stick with us I actually

01:12     have a couple of things one if you

01:16     because we're closing tomorrow the the

01:19     doors close to thinking feeling willing

01:20     tomorrow not sure when we're reopening

01:22     yes we'll launch it again but I'm not

01:25     sure when so it will it will be later

01:29     this summer but y'all don't want to wait

01:31     because you really maybe it started

01:33     planning your school year now so if you

01:36     are somebody who's been like praying and

01:38     hoping and figuring out to the universe

01:40     I need a miracle just know that Eric and

01:42     I are praying for you Americans too

01:43     because when when when that that you

01:47     know happens for you and you're open for

01:49     it and then you can come in a week and

01:51     help you work miracles in your life with

01:53     with your schooling and with your

01:54     partner and with your parenting and all

01:56     of that so please know that we are

02:00     they're ready to help like I said it

02:02     closes tomorrow night but I want to say

02:05     this for any money who pulls the trigger

02:08     and decides to purchase while we're

02:10     talking will be out here for probably 45

02:12     minutes or so during our call I have

02:15     something extra special that I'm gonna

02:17     send you it's secret so okay I love our

02:25     office you know normally see yeah I know

02:27     I was looking at that you see this

02:28     there's this thumb for anybody who likes

02:31     Pacific Rim any dad's watching Eric

02:34     that's Eric site of his of the desks

02:36     right there so you see lettuce a little

02:39     bit

02:39     bits of food the office so what is

02:42     thinking feeling willing so yes it is a

02:46     way to get all of your Waldorf

02:48     homeschool curriculum in one place

02:50     there's that but that's like this much

02:53     of thinking feeling really really it's

02:56     like this much of it so Eric and I our

02:59     marriage and parenting coaches and I've

03:01     been a homeschool curriculum coach for

03:03     more than ten years and so a long time

03:06     and we have five children or blended

03:09     blended family my older three children

03:12     are from my first marriage and Sammis

03:14     Raya the younger ones wants to see

03:16     Oliver and Mister stories are from the

03:19     Savannah so but he's actually adopted

03:23     some of our adult children so he's the

03:27     band he's the dad so we've been at this

03:31     a long time and we worked with thousands

03:35     of families a lot of families a lot of

03:37     families over the years and so what we

03:39     teach is stuff that we know that we back

03:42     up with like well you know we're doing

03:44     it every day and we're working we're

03:46     doing those the things that we were that

03:48     we recommend are things that we do we

03:51     don't we don't tell you to do anything

03:53     that we don't already do somebody will

03:55     ask me hey what about XY and Z I'll say

03:58     you know what I don't know anything

03:59     about that so I can't I can't give you

04:00     an opinion we only talk about things

04:02     that we do so I want to talk about

04:05     thinking feeling willing program and

04:07     then we're going to talk about holding

04:07     the space so don't go anywhere if you

04:11     are thinking feeling willing

04:12     feel free to chime in and shine about

04:15     how much you love your membership and if

04:19     you have questions you're welcome to

04:21     drop me a DM if you're on instagram or

04:23     PM if you're on facebook or drop me an

04:25     email Melissa at Waldorf essentials comm

04:28     I'm happy to help you so again it is a

04:32     way to get your water from school

04:34     curriculum but that's about this big of

04:36     it that much of it we also provide

04:40     training and the reason why our training

04:44     is different is because homeschooling is

04:45     different from being a school much

04:48     different and it's different depending

04:50     on who you are absolutely absolutely

04:52     because we talked so much about like how

04:54     you show up and and to your Hyland dad

04:57     who you're you know what your

04:59     temperament is and and the work you're

05:01     doing on yourself so all of those pieces

05:03     determine then you know how you show up

05:07     and we're actually tomorrow's training

05:09     is called understanding authenticity and

05:11     so you'll want to join us for that

05:12     that's at noon pacific tomorrow but

05:16     let's go through what's in our thinking

05:17     feeling long program because it's pretty

05:19     amazing there are 17 modules and i call

05:22     them mom lessons i think it's good to

05:25     say - that's important to say that this

05:27     has been developed over a decade oh yeah

05:30     yeah we opened the the first time we

05:33     launched it was seven years ago and the

05:37     reason why I started thinking feeling

05:40     willing was because I found that in our

05:43     my coaching practice I was saying the

05:46     same thing over and over again I was

05:48     sending people the same like I wouldn't

05:50     they somebody would say I don't know how

05:51     this song goes and so I would record it

05:53     and send it to them and then I had like

05:54     10 more people ask the same question or

05:56     I where's the best place I can find a

06:00     YouTube video for learning how to knit

06:02     and I would be like well how about I

06:03     just teach you yeah I was

06:05     there were there were things that I was

06:07     doing over and over and over again and

06:10     so I had this like spiritual prompting

06:13     like you know you should put all this in

06:14     one place so it started and started on a

06:17     blog that was password-protected seven

06:19     years ago and it was yea it was teeny

06:21     and had to change the password every

06:23     month because some people that aren't

06:26     very savory would hop on there and then

06:28     share the password on some Facebook

06:29     group and then everybody would have it

06:31     and so we had like we had many

06:34     incarnations and I actually really loved

06:37     where we are right now we just rebuilt

06:39     the membership part of our site with a

06:42     company called kajabi and they are

06:44     really robust as far as what they can do

06:47     for our students and I love it because

06:50     it also means that we have an off

06:53     Facebook support group so all of the

06:56     moms that don't really want to be on

06:57     Facebook but they're loving it like at

07:00     first I thought well I'm just gonna say

07:01     that we're just opening this what I what

07:04     I've noticed is that people are diving

07:06     deep like the Facebook end right now is

07:09     dead there's not a lot going on over

07:11     there everybody is in the new the new

07:15     support group that we created and so

07:17     super happy about that I'm super happy

07:19     that it is so full so so I love that

07:23     aspect of it because you have hundreds

07:26     of moms that are on the same path as you

07:28     and that have either walked it or

07:30     they're still walking it and and we have

07:33     a lot of season mums in there a lot of

07:34     brand spanking new moms in their moms

07:37     that are just like learned about Waldorf

07:38     yesterday and jumped on board moms that

07:41     have been doing Walter for all the time

07:42     moms that have little tiny kids moms

07:44     that have adult children so it is a true

07:48     community of people that are in going in

07:52     the same direction and there's actually

07:54     a dad's section in there that we're

07:56     gonna get up and going soon Erica's

07:58     gonna be hopping there more and we're

07:59     hoping that we can get some dads and

08:02     because really and truly this is not

08:05     just mom's job you know I think that

08:08     often it's seen as just BOMs job but

08:10     there are a lot of things that come up

08:11     like holding a space that Grant talked

08:13     about today that really daddy's been

08:16     involved in and then he's going to do we

08:18     different than mom does and so we really

08:21     we really wanted a place that was that

08:23     was comfortable for everybody so we have

08:26     that so we have this great support

08:27     system but we also have these modules

08:29     and like I said they're called the mom

08:31     less and so if you're if you've heard

08:33     about them on the Internet

08:34     I have a lot of people that send me a

08:35     message and go I just want to know how

08:37     can I get just the mom lesson I go it

08:39     doesn't work that way it's a whole big

08:41     program and the reason being there's

08:44     much more than just the mom lesson so

08:46     there's some own lessons and then we

08:48     also do regular training like this one

08:50     that we're doing tonight I'm holding the

08:51     space is something that happens for

08:53     those members on a regular basis we also

08:56     have weekly office hours where you can

08:59     come and just get help from me and it's

09:01     we do them over zoom and and that's just

09:05     like an online video conferencing you

09:07     can hop in there asking your questions

09:08     and I can answer them sometimes it'll

09:10     just be you and I sometimes it'll be me

09:12     and for other people but the idea is

09:14     that I'm there I'm answering questions

09:16     you have access to me I also have access

09:18     to me on the support group and you can

09:20     also email me if you need to so it is

09:22     I'm very much involved in it and I'm

09:24     very much there to help moms the other

09:27     great thing is this we also have leaders

09:29     across the United States and hopefully

09:31     soon across the world and they have

09:34     taken on this like mantle of

09:36     responsibility where they have they

09:39     speak for us in the areas that they're

09:42     in we have a leader in Florida we have a

09:45     to leaders in Colorado we have a team a

09:49     set of leaders in South Carolina we have

09:52     a leader that covers Indiana and

09:54     Kentucky and we have a leader in Salt

09:57     Lake City I'm missing somebody I feel

10:00     like I'm missing 70 yes I am Detroit Oh

10:04     Detroit and so we have leaders all over

10:07     the United States and

10:08     we're actually our dream is to have

10:11     leaders in every state on every

10:14     continent so that they can be me when

10:17     I'm not there when I can't be with you

10:18     another great thing is is I I have this

10:21     this desire to go and be able to be with

10:25     those groups so that then we can

10:27     interact and it gives you an opportunity

10:28     to have you know to have somebody can

10:32     speeder on the ground there who knows

10:34     her stuff and who you know who's been

10:37     trained by me who knows what they're

10:38     doing not just in the curriculum realm

10:41     but in the coaching realm too so we are

10:44     doing we have a coaching program that we

10:48     are working on that will be a

10:50     requirement for all of our leaders from

10:52     here on in and so I I want them to be

10:55     able to bring you what I can bring you

10:56     and it's great with if it's when I want

10:59     it personal so if you're interested in

11:01     any of those leaders drop you know I'm

11:02     happy to set you up okay so our mom

11:06     lessons like yeah I promise to stand

11:08     turn this time so the first one is read

11:10     them it's a whole like if you've ever

11:14     struggled with rhythm or you don't even

11:15     know what in the heck or the mess we

11:17     will get to sorbets rhythm is this the

11:20     first lesson the welder curriculum is

11:22     the second lesson and that goes into

11:23     reading Steiner understanding Steiner

11:26     understanding what he meant for the each

11:27     of the grades all of that inner work

11:30     which is this vast this vast thing that

11:35     so many that you know it's it's so B but

11:37     the inner work it encompasses a lot of

11:39     things it also encompasses temperament

11:41     which is has a long lesson of its own

11:43     because temperament can be so confusing

11:46     I think sometimes our people to

11:48     understand we have a mamasan handwork so

11:51     learning had all the ins and outs of

11:53     handwork and patterns to practice fine

11:57     music we have them on less than our

11:58     music teaching you we we actually

12:01     provide the music unfolds curriculum

12:03     then I co-wrote with Kimberly persons a

12:05     year ago and it goes through from

12:08     kindergarten to third grade

12:10     teaching you how to read music teaching

12:12     you how to teach your child it's

12:14     actually really beautiful we have a

12:16     month less than unformed wrong

12:17     understanding form drying all the forms

12:19     all of them so you have a well to pull

12:23     from as your as you're going through

12:25     your curriculum and through your grades

12:28     we have them on lesson on planning where

12:30     our planning for piece journal and that

12:32     course is part of that so we teach a

12:35     course on planning that starts the first

12:38     part of May this year and will go all

12:40     the way through September and I will

12:41     walk you through every single step on

12:43     what you need to do to get ready for the

12:45     school year

12:46     so that's part of thinking feeling

12:48     willing painting and drawing we teach

12:50     you how to paint draw the Waldorf Way

12:52     modeling we teach you modeling

12:54     indications for each year sort of how

12:57     they change and what materials to use of

13:00     that kind of thing we go through

13:02     festivals though all their festivals and

13:04     they're the great thing about the

13:06     support group now and having this all

13:09     together is that you know maybe there's

13:11     a festival that you you really want to

13:13     celebrate but you you want to know how

13:14     their people are doing it you hop on the

13:16     support group and say hey what are you

13:18     all doing for Michaelmas and then you'll

13:19     get everybody's answer for what they're

13:22     doing so you can pick what works for you

13:24     so that's what's so lovely about having

13:26     the support group we have a lesson on

13:29     learning how to write your own

13:30     curriculum so it takes you through all

13:32     of the steps of like what you should be

13:34     thinking about I definitely don't

13:35     recommend that you do that your first

13:37     year out I recommend that you get your

13:39     feet wet a little bit and learn

13:42     time understanding the recommendations

13:44     and why they are the way they are but

13:47     but it's that's a really robust program

13:50     in in itself it's a it's a course in

13:52     itself and it's part of the mom lessons

13:55     and with that course we go through not

13:58     just Steiners recommendations but I also

14:00     take the government standards for the

14:01     United States the common core and I

14:03     talked about how you can meet those

14:05     things within life Steiners work and

14:08     give you notes for all the grades that I

14:10     have taught and everything we have

14:13     listened on schooling several children a

14:15     lesson on creating circle time like

14:19     circle time creation because that can be

14:21     like it baffles people sometimes I go

14:22     it's okay calm down

14:23     it's a big deal I promise just think

14:26     it'll be fine so that's like another

14:29     course in itself but it's great it's in

14:32     the mom lessons there's a hundred and

14:34     thirty six songs that I said remember

14:36     when I was recording all those songs oh

14:38     my gosh I didn't want to talk for like

14:40     two days afterwards don't talk to me

14:42     recorded a lot of songs so and they're

14:45     not all in perfect pitch but they're all

14:46     recorded so you know the tunes to them

14:49     as you have all of that there we also

14:52     have we just added reading writing and

14:54     spelling the Waldorf way this lastv

14:57     winter fall we added that one what else

15:00     do we have we have our thrive program

15:03     which actually tonight's little lesson

15:06     comes from our three program the whole

15:08     idea of holding the space we have a

15:10     whole section on how moms and dads can

15:12     hold the space within our three program

15:14     and it is warm in here sorry y'all is

15:17     hot we would have it at the light plus

15:20     it's already warm today we would have

15:23     the fans on but

15:24     you know here huh so what other wine am

15:27     I missing I think I got them all I think

15:30     I think I got them oh I do have one in

15:32     the works that's sort of back here in my

15:34     head that's not I haven't talked about

15:36     it a whole lot but I'm planning to do a

15:37     whole one lesson I'll sleep how many

15:39     times do we counsel people on sleep a

15:41     lot we talk a lot about sleep so within

15:45     that you also get my dear friend Zig

15:50     Linda D Francesca who is the owner of

15:52     teach wonderment and the writer of the

15:54     dawn save gnome series you get her heart

15:57     downloads for the Covenant block grants

16:02     sorry that momentarily left my head so

16:03     you get that so you'll learn how to

16:05     color with block grants and it's it's a

16:07     lot of fun let's see what else do you

16:09     get you can get instant access to just

16:11     about everything in our store so yeah I

16:14     think and you get it for life so you pay

16:17     one time and somebody was asking me this

16:20     day do I have to buy it for every

16:21     student no you buy it one time it's per

16:24     family but one time and it lasts you for

16:27     the whole thing like for like it's a

16:29     lifetime program you have lifetime

16:30     access to it and there's no like set

16:33     time that you have to do things it's

16:35     self-paced but we do sort of keep you

16:37     going

16:38     we only launched it a couple of times a

16:41     year now we used to have it open all the

16:43     time what I found myself doing was

16:44     spending a lot of energy catching the

16:46     people up every time and so now we do it

16:49     a couple of times a year so that I can

16:52     onboard everybody at the same time we

16:54     can get started at the same time I can

16:55     get you all going are you gonna yawn

16:57     he's been out with children all day yeah

17:00     and he came home and was like hey I

17:02     think you should do this with me he goes

17:04     I can't go change my clothes and this

17:08     woman here when we drove all the way to

17:09     he went to Mexico today to get a pinata

17:11     I have to show this big honor I didn't

17:15     buy that in Mexico

17:16     let's buy it with buy Mexico I don't get

17:18     amazement it's a gigantic act

17:23     Soraya's afraid of piñatas and so I

17:25     guess I was amazed I mean cactuses so

17:29     that it was her birthday on Monday and

17:33     so we're having a gigantic party with

17:36     everybody except for y'all Kelly needs

17:40     some prayers our assistant Kelly was on

17:42     her way here and she stayed in Vegas

17:46     last night and somebody stole her car so

17:49     she's not coming here so that friend I'm

17:51     sad about but I'm more sad about the

17:52     fact that somebody stole her car yeah

17:54     she has to turn around and go home it's

17:56     super sad so if y'all are a meatball

17:58     Kelly and her family I just I just can't

18:02     believe that happen

18:03     but the pinatas for this giant party my

18:05     mom's coming Eric's parents are coming

18:07     all of my adult children I'm gonna be

18:08     there for sir as a birthday party so

18:10     that's Friday it's going to be very I

18:12     left the country today I came back

18:15     what's your small talk and now I'm live

18:17     on did you guys get churros today no but

18:22     they asked you for Charles no they

18:24     didn't is that misters is my thing

18:26     you know they didn't ask me for that I

18:28     usually I like to go to Mexico just to

18:30     get your us cuz we're that close the

18:32     Border Patrol guys are always like why'd

18:33     you go to Mexico I said to my churros no

18:35     I

18:35     are you kidding me lady no not kidding

18:38     you see my churros and other things I

18:40     was doing there yeah and then I got hit

18:43     in the way back home that I'm here it's

18:45     variegated they want to know where I was

18:48     born yeah anyway before I could come

18:52     home yeah that's fine so anyway I am

18:55     gonna get to our talk tonight thank you

18:57     all for listening to our antics it is

18:59     warm in here though I think that's all

19:03     with regards to our thinking feeling

19:04     willing program oh except for those of

19:07     you who like hard copies no hard copies

19:09     are included

19:10     absolutely included and so when you're

19:13     ready for and we recommend you not order

19:15     them all at once

19:17     somebody says please do a video about

19:19     the pragmatics

19:20     and The Melancholy child oh the

19:22     phlegmatic parent and mouth my child do

19:24     that we actually just did our pregnant

19:27     pragmatic oh ok pregnant yeah don't say

19:29     that we won't cover that when we do our

19:32     melancholy we're gonna do a melancholy

19:35     on Monday this coming Monday

19:42     yep this coming Monday at 6 a.m. Pacific

19:45     right here so um what was I saying I'm

19:48     sorry we so hard copies are included now

19:50     so when you are within we recommend you

19:53     don't order them all at once and this is

19:55     why every now and again we will update

19:57     them and you only get one so you can't

20:01     order grade one and then be like oh wait

20:03     a minute so I try to be like open when I

20:05     know that we're doing an update window

20:07     so I would or just such a name for the

20:10     year and that's kind of our role you canv

20:12     order play for peace journal every year

20:13     and so you always have a fresh new in

20:15     what just the idea so that you use it so

20:18     anyways now let's talk about holding the

20:19     space yes but I will remind you special

20:22     awesomeness for those who buy during our

20:25     video tonight presents from me okay

20:32     holding the space clothing this week do

20:35     you kids like this this is the best way

20:38     for me to explain holding the space

20:40     everything's going nice nobody's

20:42     fighting and then the phone rings and

20:44     you pick it up and you start talking on

20:46     it and then everything goes to hell in a

20:47     handbasket

20:48     that's because your energy went away

20:50     mm-hmm so holding the space is about

20:53     like your energetic presence and and

20:56     that's not something woowoo because

20:57     everything is energy

20:58     that's like scientific so when your

21:03     energy is withdrawn from that space of

21:05     like being with them they feel it and

21:08     because they're little people and they

21:10     don't know how to articulate it it often

21:13     comes out and like punching their

21:14     brother or somebody falls or the dog

21:19     throws up or like everything's like goes

21:22     crazy and sometimes they do something

21:25     that you would have never thought and he

21:27     human mind would comprehend that that

21:29     would be a thing to do there are rules

21:31     that I have made in my parenting that I

21:34     thought to myself I cannot believe these

21:37     words hey and we won't embarrass anybody

21:43     today no but you can all probably think

21:46     that something oh yeah we have five

21:50     children there's never a dull moment in

21:51     our house and I there have been times I

21:53     have gone I have said I can't believe I

21:55     had to just tell you you can't do that

21:57     why would you do that to begin with it

21:59     but you know a lot being able laugh at

22:01     yourself as a parent is is I think

22:03     recipe for a happy life so make sure you

22:07     laugh at yourself enough but holding the

22:09     space is this this concept that when you

22:13     are energetically present and that means

22:16     you're not just your it's not just your

22:18     body's there because you can't be on

22:19     your phone and hold the space you can't

22:21     be deep into a novel in all the space

22:22     you can't be listening to a podcast and

22:25     all in the space holding the space means

22:27     that you are energetically present

22:28     doesn't mean you have to be playing with

22:30     them because moms will say that me often

22:31     like do I have to play with my kids all

22:33     day I'm like hell no gods do happen no

22:35     don't do that in fact that sets them up

22:37     for failure I think when you're

22:39     constantly playing with them you have to

22:42     give them that space to understand how

22:44     to play yes and and I think that often

22:47     children if they had too much mania and

22:51     that can I mean too much media for one

22:55     child is nothing to somebody else but

22:56     yeah certain temperaments if they've had

22:58     too much media then they kind of forget

22:59     how to play you have to sort of go on a

23:01     media diet and remind them how to play

23:03     well one of the biggest indications to

23:05     me is when it's time to turn that off

23:08     and let me anger there's anger then a

23:10     tantrum okay that scent indication that

23:13     they had weights may catch it there that

23:16     mad about it and so I mean that's when I

23:19     know I mean there's other things that

23:21     tell you they've had too much and you're

23:23     Stern rules all only but if it's you've

23:28     got five minutes and it's off and then

23:30     five minutes

23:31     then it goes off and they're like yeah

23:35     like that then it's like okay and I

23:37     think there's a couple of things to

23:38     remember with the time warning yeah so

23:40     like when children don't really

23:42     understand the passage of time until

23:43     they're in about second grade and so 10

23:46     minutes to a two of five or six or even

23:48     seven year old it is not the same thing

23:51     as ten minutes to your eye and so you

23:53     want to be really careful about yeah I

23:56     mean usually would say it's going to go

23:58     off when this episode is over or you

24:02     know or something along those lines so

24:04     that you you are giving the expectation

24:06     and and if it's time if it's a child

24:08     that can understand that the passage of

24:10     time that I have seen older children

24:13     have tantrums and I go excuse me I mean

24:17     then you have things like Netflix where

24:19     if you're saying place you can watch

24:25     this and I need to be done in the notes

24:26     like if you're busy that's right so

24:29     what's up again the next one in Exmouth

24:31     and they're like well because Netflix

24:33     are really frosty in 13 seconds and

24:36     another episode is playing so you want

24:38     to be like you want to be careful if you

24:40     are using media at all to help you get

24:42     something done and now I'm not a

24:44     proponent of that like at all I would

24:47     say figure out a way to get it done with

24:48     them have them come and help you for

24:50     sure but I know that the reality for

24:52     some parents as they are stepping away

24:54     from media more and more is that they

24:56     are using it at certain periods of the

24:58     day so here's the thing most children's

25:01     shows lasts between 17 and 22 minutes

25:04     look at how long it is it's a great

25:07     little like when you push pause to tell

25:09     you how many minutes are left so then

25:10     your job is to set your watch or to pay

25:12     attention and if you are if you're using

25:15     the TV as a babysitter for 12 minutes

25:17     then you go get everything done that you

25:19     need get done in 12 minutes and come

25:20     back and be present being present that's

25:23     weird turning point as Kaitlyn says my

25:27     daughter doesn't get mad when we turn it

25:29     off or take away the screens but

25:30     definitely doesn't know how to keep

25:32     yourself entertained so I think that

25:37     Caitlyn is she an only child I think

25:40     there's definitely differences when

25:43     you've got because we have we don't have

25:46     commit fight show so I have the only

25:48     children situation but we have gaps big

25:50     gaps between the last two for sure so

25:53     there were definitely periods of time

25:55     when it wasn't working for one child to

25:58     play with the other and so you know

26:00     those children had to learn how to yes

26:04     she says yes one-and-done

26:05     they have to learn how to sort of

26:08     entertain themselves there are lots of

26:09     things that I would consider our

26:12     youngest loves handwork and she has for

26:14     a long time she loves painting and

26:16     drawing and so I have always had those

26:20     materials out for her like she's been

26:23     she's been painting since she was

26:24     probably 2 or 3 like by herself on her

26:28     own she can get the paper she has a

26:30     paint palette and we actually have a

26:32     video on you know art supplies for young

26:35     children so if you need it I can hook

26:36     you up with that but she she can go get

26:40     in herself she's knows how to rinse her

26:42     paint brush and all of that and yes it

26:44     gets it herself and paints on her own so

26:47     I have left the those spaces open for

26:50     her so that she can do those things on

26:53     her own she also is like who likes to

26:56     help so you know she'll she'll find

26:59     things to do that are helpful or I need

27:00     to be sitting at the table and it's not

27:02     something that she can actually do to

27:04     help I will suggest something that she

27:06     can do you know come and sit next to

27:09     mommy going should go get your crayons

27:10     and come and sit next to me while I'm

27:11     doing this you can do that you're still

27:13     holding the space because you're

27:14     energetically they're still but where

27:18     the problem is yeah it begins is when

27:20     you you start to check out and then not

27:24     only do they not know how to

27:25     taine themselves and they're struggling

27:27     with that but then because they feel

27:30     that energetic separation they don't

27:33     know what to do with it and they that's

27:35     and it's not just when naughtiness

27:36     happens it's when you know accidents

27:40     happen it's when they start to fall

27:42     apart it's there they're having a

27:44     struggle because they need that

27:46     energetic piece from you at least until

27:49     7 then it starts to that sort of tharok

27:54     bond starts to change a bit but then

27:56     they need they can't hold the space on

27:58     their own until they're a teenager and

28:02     even then certain temperaments are

28:03     better at it than others I think that's

28:06     part of what we're teaching them you

28:08     know we're not raising children and

28:09     raising adults we want work because if

28:12     we're raising children just be teaching

28:13     people how to be children we're teaching

28:15     people how to eventually be adults in a

28:17     very developmentally appropriate way so

28:19     you want to be very sort of you know a

28:23     concerted effort and you're deciding how

28:25     to do it I do want to say moms and dads

28:27     hold the space differently yeah which is

28:30     why he's here

28:31     well I dads I think apt I think often

28:35     dads will rely on at least in our

28:37     culture today they'll pull out their

28:39     phone yeah so I mean Lauren says I'm an

28:43     only child and I can see this being an

28:45     issue and I see how easy it is for my

28:47     kid to be occupied with other kids

28:48     around yeah well I have one example I

28:52     can think of of how we hold the space

28:54     differently is I remember I was out

28:57     running errands and I called you on the

28:59     phone because I we were discussing what

29:02     I was trying to find today

29:03     no like and I just had to write it well

29:08     when when I'm alone with her she has

29:10     this idea that when the car stops she's

29:12     going to unbuckle

29:13     until yeah get out of her seat and she

29:15     wouldn't do that to you but I was a

29:17     knocking on the phone and the next thing

29:21     I know she's flipping over the front

29:23     right the front passenger seat lands on

29:26     something breaks it and you're like why

29:29     was she even doing that in the car

29:31     like I don't know I was on the phone and

29:33     she just does it right there are things

29:36     that I think that there are things that

29:38     children would never dream to do with

29:39     mom and there are things that they would

29:41     never dream to do with that like ever

29:43     and in in that's just a testament to the

29:49     strong bonds you have with your children

29:51     that you and your partner have a

29:52     different bond and I actually really

29:54     love that I really love that if I'm

29:57     holding the space with the kids and it's

29:59     just us and or you know we're not doing

30:01     school and there's no media going we're

30:03     just hanging out I'm likely just gonna

30:06     be sitting there knitting and they're

30:07     gonna be talking to me we might be

30:08     listening to a story when but if dad's

30:10     holding the space with them they're you

30:13     know they're more apt to say let's play

30:15     a game let's do you know so they're

30:17     because he holds it differently and he

30:19     brings a different energy to it

30:21     I I think that to help dads get away

30:25     from like what do I do it then when I'm

30:26     holding the space because we hear some I

30:28     don't hear well I'm babysitting and I go

30:30     you're not babysitting that is not what

30:32     it's called when you're with your child

30:33     you're gone repair of parenting so you

30:36     have to like put tools in your toolbox

30:38     and I think that that's appropriate for

30:40     mom and dad because I think often mods

30:42     also don't know how to hold the space so

30:44     they go what do I do

30:46     they're just playing that doesn't mean

30:50     you should retreat into your phone or

30:53     because that's what happens is when you

30:54     do retreat into your phone that's when

30:57     that's when stuff happens even our

31:00     children who are pretty well trained

31:02     that if I am on my phone I try to hide

31:05     it's because I'm answering a work

31:07     question they're still gonna be like hey

31:10     mom hey mom hey mom like the little dog

31:12     and yeah in those those old cartoons

31:15     yeah like polishers yes like they're

31:19     they need something when when you're

31:23     engaged because they feel your energy

31:25     gone so Genesis so much yes Ella loves

31:28     to test her dad he is struggling to hold

31:31     the space as well as to find ways to

31:33     connect in discipline I think that you

31:36     said two important things there Jenna I

31:37     think when you connect you don't have to

31:39     discipline

31:40     much because you're you're making that

31:43     connection there they will if you have a

31:45     plan and it doesn't have to be like oh I

31:48     planned everything out like in my weird

31:49     choleric way like just a plan like when

31:52     I'm with the kids we're gonna read book

31:53     certain I'm alone what the kids are

31:54     gonna plan to know when I'm alone you

31:56     know whatever it is if you have a plan

31:59     to enroll your child in you know what it

32:04     is and that dad wants to do with them

32:06     then you won't have a discipline issue

32:09     generally generally later later on I

32:14     mean with this is really funny but later

32:16     on when we had small kids and like

32:20     teenager almost adult kids in the house

32:22     at the same time and if you were gone I

32:25     would have the older kids take issue

32:27     with how I was holding the space with

32:29     the younger ones they would even text me

32:31     and tackle on him I'll say you know what

32:34     he's my job is to say he's got it under

32:37     control I don't need to hear about it

32:39     and sometimes they they may have a point

32:42     we just had this recently where you were

32:44     you I it was right before our launch and

32:48     and we had a Disneyland a plan because

32:50     we live in Southern California did

32:51     Disneyland a plan and I knew that was

32:54     not where I needed to be and so Eric

32:56     took he took our old adult son and Sam

32:59     and Soraya and they went this is what I

33:02     hear from Mary she would not be pulling

33:04     this if you were here it was like okay

33:09     well but I'm not so it's okay it's okay

33:12     so when you had that I think it's really

33:14     important when you your kids get older

33:15     and they start to report to you you just

33:18     go that's okay

33:20     I know you can handle it or that's okay

33:22     she's got it under control because the

33:24     toweling is this dividing conquer thing

33:26     that I think they do

33:28     subconsciously without even knowing and

33:30     it goes back to my whole theory called

33:32     who's got my boob yeah and the who's got

33:34     my boob theory is it doesn't matter

33:36     how many children you have it doesn't

33:39     matter how old they are they will always

33:41     vie for your attention mom always like I

33:44     have watched it in adult children like

33:48     Iowa every time we're around all of your

33:50     siblings they all they don't want to

33:51     talk to us mother don't want our baby

33:53     buddy I'll do it time to your dad it's

33:56     all and then they all it says just it's

33:58     just one person wants to talk to you on

33:59     they all want to talk to his mom at the

34:01     same time and so as your children become

34:04     adults you sort of see it and it will be

34:06     very interesting because we have one

34:07     child that doesn't want to talk to me at

34:08     all right now but it'd be very

34:09     interesting when everybody else is

34:11     trying to talk to me if she actually

34:12     wants to talk to me during that time

34:14     period because I think that there is

34:16     this this energy difference between mom

34:19     and dad I know we live in this culture

34:20     where they want to make everything the

34:22     same and there everybody holds a

34:25     different energy and so you know you

34:28     kind of want to own that and be okay

34:31     with that and and find healthy ways to

34:34     express that find healthy ways to you

34:37     know have fun with your children and and

34:40     I think often when dad's gone at work

34:42     all day I mean you used to be that dad

34:44     that was gone all day you have to

34:46     consciously think about what are we

34:48     gonna do that's not like just a video

34:51     game or that's not like just a movie you

34:53     have to consciously think about well

34:55     what is it that they would want to do

34:56     and what is it that what they would want

34:58     to do with me that's different than what

35:00     they're doing with mom all day yeah

35:03     what would you say from a dad's

35:08     perspective of like understanding the

35:10     difference between like like seeing it

35:12     palpably seeing it what happens between

35:15     when you hold it and when you don't it's

35:21     there's a chaotic energy and there

35:24     energy of kids that aren't feeling

35:28     secure yeah because then when they're

35:30     not feeling secure they tend to question

35:33     everything and they tend to do things

35:36     that they wouldn't do and they do feel

35:37     secure and I think there's just a few

35:39     little tweaks what would you tell

35:41     another dad like if he if you had a dad

35:43     say to you so what is one of the secrets

35:45     yeah what would you say it's being being

35:50     present being mindful listening to

35:52     what's going on around you keying in on

35:55     what the emotions are i keying in to

35:59     what things are saying to each other

36:01     into you because then you know because

36:04     what but the message you're getting is

36:06     hey I don't feel safer I don't know

36:08     what's going on I need to know better

36:11     especially like when they're younger or

36:13     or when they say that they're little

36:15     toddlers but when they're they're big

36:17     enough that they start to wonder about

36:20     the things around them today

36:23     Sariah because we had to go pack

36:25     something I'm gonna say well today you

36:28     know when we I had to pick something up

36:30     on the other side of the brain gray and

36:34     her hair it goes to Mexico to get my

36:37     blood pressure medication because it's

36:38     cheaper there that it is here it's not

36:39     actually like this crazy deal no I'm not

36:42     doing something illegal he just got andv

36:44     actually it's better stuff better so in

36:48     about what some but sometimes we have

36:50     Dennis appointments day like so often

36:53     um I'm we're walking to the border and

36:56     she's asking me all these questions that

36:58     she doesn't normally asked I go well

37:00     what point are we in Mexico and what

37:03     point are we that it stays that lying

37:05     right what happens if you have a like do

37:08     you have passports what happens if we

37:11     don't have passports

37:12     why do those people get to go in that

37:14     line and we have to go and this my

37:16     there's Reliance there's a line for

37:17     foreigners from men lines were Mexican

37:20     penis watering you have to talk to

37:22     somebody you know on the other way and

37:25     yet no matter who you already have to

37:27     answer a bunch of Russians but and then

37:30     let me get the other side he loves that

37:32     part we get to the other side of the

37:36     she's like dad why don't the birds need

37:38     passports and my several birds are more

37:43     free than people are she's also fishing

37:47     desert innate so she's thinking so much

37:50     so much thinking um so much is going on

37:53     in her head but that told me that she

37:56     wasn't sure what was happening and she

37:58     wasn't sure where she was asking

38:00     questions and that astronomy you had

38:02     been buried in your phone she probably

38:04     would have acted up instead of asking

38:05     questions just zoned out or nice not

38:08     paying attention or ignoring her then it

38:10     would have escalated to more and more

38:12     things you know I think that whenever

38:14     you're going to a place like that

38:16     because I think you know that's kind of

38:17     it's not an extreme and it's kind of

38:19     like an most people aren't going to be

38:21     like going to Mexico every day no but I

38:23     think that when you're just out with

38:24     kids you

38:25     have to think about where you're going

38:27     what you could encounter and always have

38:30     an exit strategy why I always have any

38:33     that stretch I mean I end up being the

38:36     one that usually takes them to grocery

38:39     store trips usually I'm the one that

38:41     takes them right and often we sit down

38:44     at my grocery shop for a lot of years he

38:46     can do it knock it off if I made you

38:49     know a Google keep lists with checkboxes

38:51     right because we've talked about what

38:53     the menu is going to be for the link and

38:55     what we need and so I know what we're

38:58     giving and I'll get to the store and

39:01     I'll say look kids this is my list this

39:05     is what we're here to get we're not here

39:07     to tell us and then I know mom told me

39:12     that you shouldn't Ella on the list that

39:14     only happened actually one time when I

39:15     actually did ask him to put Nutella on

39:17     the list yeah then they milk it every

39:19     time and so this is what we got to do

39:23     and we got to get with some of this

39:25     let's say you guys to help me right and

39:28     that's good because that helps them know

39:30     you know I think often in our adult

39:32     minds and I think that this probably is

39:36     is something that dad would struggle

39:38     with more than mom because we're with

39:39     them all day and we take them places

39:41     generally except for in your kiss for

39:43     your home with them often dads like but

39:45     I don't have to think about anybody else

39:46     five days a week and now I have to think

39:48     about these other children these other

39:49     people and I have to think about what

39:52     you know what things to worry about but

39:55     guess what when you put thought to those

39:58     things then you don't have Tantrums yeah

40:02     the first thing that I would say to when

40:04     mom gets ready to leave in hands-off

40:06     holding the space to you dad it's the

40:08     first thing you should say is what was

40:09     the last thing these people ate yes if

40:12     she forgets to tell you you need to ask

40:14     because if you don't ask it's going to

40:16     be that that should be the first thing

40:19     you cue in on when things start to fall

40:21     apart you need to go home no need a

40:23     snack

40:23     and greenness or yeah I usually carry a

40:27     fruit bar or applesauce or something in

40:29     my bag there's what we call the uh

40:30     thirsty monster where it's out of the

40:32     blue website I came out with I'm thirsty

40:35     monsters a real entity I cannot say I

40:37     call it you know thirsty monster because

40:39     it's like I can't live another minute

40:40     without water where's the water we've

40:42     had children try to enact violence over

40:45     they have there's too much sure Oh Mike

40:47     hold up you still got spit in your mouth

40:48     caught me on another thing too I wouldv

40:51     say is you know Melissa and I we do a

40:55     lot of people watching when we're out

40:57     video and we live in this big city andv

40:59     there's lots of different people to

41:00     watch and I think one thing that happens

41:04     is I see parents that are asking

41:07     permission from their kids to do things

41:10     that's a big hotbed for me and stop and

41:15     then once you've handed over because

41:17     there's holding the space but then

41:18     there's another element of when you hand

41:21     over control well I do think there is a

41:24     parenting method that that I and I'm not

41:27     going to mention it here out of respect

41:29     for them but there is a parenting method

41:32     where you give kids a lot of choices and

41:34     that's a really bad idea I'm just gonna

41:37     say never give them a couple of things

41:40     don't ever give them a choice that it

41:42     wouldn't be okay with it like don't ever

41:44     give a consequence that you're not gonna

41:46     follow through on and don't give choices

41:48     that you're not okay with don't go you

41:49     can have this candy or this candy if you

41:51     really don't want them to have candy at

41:52     all and so you don't want to give too

41:55     many choices and be very firm in those

42:00     choices so okay I want to tackle this

42:03     because I think this is a good way so

42:06     how do I address the issue of not

42:08     holding the space with your partner it's

42:10     difficult to sit on the sidelines and

42:12     watch it all go down without overruling

42:14     dad when he is when he is in charge of

42:17     the time and then this mom says I have

42:20     to employ prayer for this so I don't

42:21     undermine

42:22     husband and wait for a moment feels

42:24     right to bring up the topic or an

42:26     invitation yeah absolutely Lauren that

42:28     is absolutely what one of the things

42:31     would be that I would say the other

42:33     thing I mean here's the thing dad knows

42:37     if it went to hell you know and I know

42:40     and so we're we're comfortable enough

42:42     with each other to say I think if they

42:47     had eaten that probably wouldn't have

42:49     happened and he's like yeah I know

42:51     or he'll say the same thing to me you

42:52     know they didn't eat it or or they

42:55     probably probably could use a walk

42:57     because I may not be cute into it I may

43:00     be trying to be present but I'm not

43:02     completely present once it fell apart

43:04     and that's falling apart I call that

43:07     when you do the crime scene

43:08     investigation and it's like okay so this

43:11     happened and before that this happened

43:14     and before that this happened and then

43:17     and then okay

43:19     this is where it started to go and I

43:21     have not write correctly here and I had

43:23     an opportunity to corrected there and I

43:25     had an opportunity and now here yeah one

43:28     of the things that we've gotten really

43:29     good at saying to each other is do you

43:31     want to talk about that like after the

43:33     after it's all happened because nine

43:36     times out of ten he's like no because

43:37     they know where it fell apart or I'll

43:38     say no because I know where it fell

43:40     apart like because we're really good at

43:42     that with each other if not if you're

43:45     not in that place I would absolutely say

43:47     honey I saw what just happened do you

43:51     want me to do you want to talk about

43:52     that don't me to give you some input if

43:55     he says no then then step away the next

44:02     time it happens say it again would you

44:05     like some input on that I've really been

44:07     working on holding the space and you

44:10     know I have these great coaches Melissa

44:12     and Eric can they talk about holding the

44:14     space all the time would you like to

44:15     watch this video with me I think that's

44:17     a really good way like especially

44:19     because Jenna I know that you're you're

44:22     a thinking feeling willing members

44:23     I would grab the Thrive videos on

44:25     holding the space I think that it's

44:29     important to support your partner at all

44:32     costs the only time I would say step in

44:34     is if your partner is hurting your child

44:37     then you step in for sure but that is

44:40     not the case most of the time if your

44:42     partner is making you uncomfortable

44:42     that's not the same as hurting your

44:44     child you can absolutely have a

44:46     conversation later like you could say

44:48     and I've never had to say this to Eric

44:50     for sure but you can absolutely say you

44:52     know why don't you two ever talk to a

44:53     try that way again we're gonna have to

44:55     have words about that and then talk

44:56     about it and that's just when you say

44:59     hurting it's not just physical hurting

45:02     no it's a motor saying like things that

45:04     are like yep

45:06     I mean and that's something we've talked

45:07     yeah my mom gets out of control

45:09     sometimes everybody everybody has a time

45:13     when they need a timeout what's great is

45:15     when my mouth starts to go Eric can hold

45:19     me on the like just it's just gentle

45:21     just take my arm

45:22     I and then I can shut up and I walk away

45:25     and hey that's it's cute like he's like

45:28     oh nice stuff in here I have also really

45:33     been working on like for the last 10

45:35     years on because of my temperament my

45:38     temperament is like I could bark and it

45:41     doesn't bother me and somebody thinks

45:43     I'm yelling and I'm like I wasn't

45:44     yelling that wasn't yelling I could yell

45:46     for you though if you like so I am

45:48     really good at being able to say this is

45:51     gonna come from you much better than it

45:53     is for me it was funny cuz you said last

45:55     last week you talked to our adults I

45:57     think it was like mom must be really madv

45:59     as she said she said to me it wasn't

46:01     last week but it was like back when he

46:04     moved in oh that's right that's right

46:06     that's right and it got to where he knew

46:10     that he had stepped in and big when it

46:12     was me that had to do the talk great hey

46:14     man were like I can't do this you need

46:16     to do it it's like oh man I really must

46:18     have stepped on it if you're coming I

46:19     mean no because you're the same

46:22     temperament make sure he knows that if I

46:24     need you to do it if I have to go in and

46:27     and retcon something or clean something

46:31     up it won't be pretty

46:33     and so yeah but I also know what I

46:39     shouldn't shouldn't say because I'm a

46:40     grown-up and I can pay attention to that

46:43     I'm not we're not gonna do any ads to

46:45     live video today but you are absolutely

46:47     welcome to make a comment in the chat

46:50     box don't read it for short let's see

46:53     Chloe says and ask real questions when

46:56     no as in no is an acceptable answer I

47:00     think it's really important that moms

47:03     and dads talk about these things

47:04     I also think it's important that you

47:07     talk about it when there's not a problem

47:09     so you know if this is a brand new

47:12     concept to you then the things that you

47:14     say what might be you know as as soon as

47:16     this video today and this concept of

47:19     holding the space really intrigued me

47:20     you know I know that like when you and I

47:24     are in the room together I can feel your

47:25     presence I think the kids can feel us to

47:27     like open dialogue have a conversation

47:31     about it and and instead of you know

47:35     instead of assuming that they know what

47:37     you're talking about

47:37     advice a holding the space 9 to 10

47:40     people that don't know anything about

47:42     Waller or anything about the work that

47:45     we do they would go what are you talking

47:47     about so you have to sort of you know

47:49     front-load that with that I'm learning

47:51     about something and I think it's really

47:53     interesting and I've been trying it at

47:55     home while you're gone all day and what

47:57     I'm finding is that when I'm trying it

47:59     at home it really works when I hold the

48:02     space so I was thinking that maybe you

48:05     and I could talk about how to hold the

48:06     space together well we're both home

48:08     together

48:08     and and really sort of like coming at it

48:11     from that way I don't know do you have

48:13     any other way do you have any thoughts

48:15     for men that are like I don't want to

48:17     hear this they should I love this one

48:20     they should just listen to me

48:22     you're right they should however they're

48:26     not gonna so do you want to continue to

48:29     beat your head against the wall or do

48:31     you want to actually do something that

48:32     is practice there's there's a place that

48:39     you have to find yourself where you're

48:42     willing to be humble about some things

48:44     19 is a how come a link with yourself

48:48     and your partner and kids aren't just

48:52     gonna listen because you're the dad

48:55     that would be nice but that is not if

48:57     you think about when you were what I was

48:59     just gonna say did that ever work for

49:00     your parents Mike about when you were a

49:03     kid but anytime I mom sit because I said

49:06     to I'd be like oh really lets me think

49:08     about how that could not be and I would

49:13     say if you resistant to finding ways to

49:16     hold the space and to be present and

49:20     find ways to avoid conflict you just

49:23     compare what things are like now to what

49:25     you'd like them to be and that sometimes

49:27     involves doing some things that are

49:28     uncomfortable or that it that's like

49:32     mess with your pride a little bit but

49:34     and that's not meaning you have to

49:36     compromise on who you are anything like

49:38     that it just means like there are

49:39     certain things that if you want things

49:41     to be a certain way there are certain

49:43     things that you have to do to make him

49:44     that way

49:45     right because I think again we're not

49:47     raising children or we're helping were

49:51     developmentally walking through this

49:53     path to adulthood and you didn't learn

49:57     just by somebody telling you one time

49:59     you learned by somebody systematically

50:02     either good or bad teaching you over

50:05     time so you have to be willing to be in

50:08     the space of teacher not just homeschool

50:11     teacher but I think when it's a when

50:15     someone a mom says to me Oh I'm

50:16     homeschooling that whole family is

50:18     homeschooling not just bomb so it's it's

50:22     something that is mom and

50:25     and and even grandma sometimes

50:27     everybody's involved in that and so

50:30     being able to talk about things and

50:32     really truly communicate is what's so so

50:35     important about you know this path and

50:39     that's what helps you be successful is

50:41     when you're you're willing to step step

50:44     aside and go you know I'm learning here

50:45     I'm trying to sort this out sometimes

50:48     what I find when there's this going all

50:51     the mom and dad about you know learning

50:53     is it mom says you know honey you may

50:55     have this parenting thing I'll figure it

50:57     out but I don't so I am learning that

51:00     often takes that off the hook because

51:02     then he can go oh see here all this time

51:05     I thought she knew everything and she

51:07     doesn't know everything and it's okay

51:08     for us to both be learning together yes

51:10     because I think often dads think oh well

51:13     she's with this child all day she knows

51:14     everything she does all the reading she

51:16     does everything and I don't know

51:18     anything and really and truly when you

51:20     can both come to a place of we're both

51:21     learning and and I welcome you to read

51:24     the stuff that I've been reading and I

51:27     I'll you know come to you you'll come to

51:29     me I think that that's really the

51:31     healthiest place to be anything else

51:35     to think we covered it all do you have

51:37     any questions totally happy dance of

51:40     course I think we're good but there's

51:42     way more to talk about but anyway do

51:44     your own baby give me all that money so

51:46     you can be here all we shouldn't because

51:48     we're gonna have some hangry people for

51:50     you're not careful again this is this

51:54     much of what we cover and I think a

51:56     feeling willing program if you have

51:57     enjoyed this conversation at all you

51:59     should highly consider becoming a member

52:01     we have these kinds of conversations

52:03     often and and I welcome them Eric and I

52:06     welcome them all the time so this is

52:08     this is what we do so again if you are

52:12     going to become a member

52:14     become a member before I push the finish

52:16     button on Facebook on Instagram I have

52:19     something awesome plant alright see you

52:24     guys later join us tomorrow noon pacific

52:26     for understanding authenticity see you

52:30     then

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