What does holding the space look like? Why is it important? And how can you implement it into your rhythm? Melisa explains holding the space as, the concept of being energetically present, and when that energy is removed things tend to go haywire. Learning to hold the space is vital in creating a smooth rhythm in your homeschool (and general family life). Below you’ll find the video Melisa and her husband Erik recorded to answer all things holding the space related. Try it out!
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00:04 hello everybody I'm Melissa Nielsen
00:08 hello
00:09 that's Eric Nielsen we're on three
00:12 different different laces so bear with
00:14 us each cameras framed a little bit a
00:17 little bit differently so we wrapped him
00:21 because I wanted him to be able to talk
00:24 about like dad and holding the space
00:27 honey you're hung up on that cord right
00:29 there
00:29 look look down sorry yeah one second oh
00:36 that's better
00:38 yes there you go so I wanted to have
00:40 like dad's perspective because I think
00:42 holding this face is a big deal
00:44 mm-hm in fact we have we've done this
00:47 training program before it's like a free
00:49 video and when people have to do it
00:51 again the summer called straight talk
00:52 about your kids bad behavior and often
00:57 when we're doing that what comes out is
00:59 that the bad behavior is is always tied
01:03 to mom and dad yes like always but
01:06 before we talk about that I want to talk
01:08 about our thinking feeling willing
01:09 program so so stick with us I actually
01:12 have a couple of things one if you
01:16 because we're closing tomorrow the the
01:19 doors close to thinking feeling willing
01:20 tomorrow not sure when we're reopening
01:22 yes we'll launch it again but I'm not
01:25 sure when so it will it will be later
01:29 this summer but y'all don't want to wait
01:31 because you really maybe it started
01:33 planning your school year now so if you
01:36 are somebody who's been like praying and
01:38 hoping and figuring out to the universe
01:40 I need a miracle just know that Eric and
01:42 I are praying for you Americans too
01:43 because when when when that that you
01:47 know happens for you and you're open for
01:49 it and then you can come in a week and
01:51 help you work miracles in your life with
01:53 with your schooling and with your
01:54 partner and with your parenting and all
01:56 of that so please know that we are
02:00 they're ready to help like I said it
02:02 closes tomorrow night but I want to say
02:05 this for any money who pulls the trigger
02:08 and decides to purchase while we're
02:10 talking will be out here for probably 45
02:12 minutes or so during our call I have
02:15 something extra special that I'm gonna
02:17 send you it's secret so okay I love our
02:25 office you know normally see yeah I know
02:27 I was looking at that you see this
02:28 there's this thumb for anybody who likes
02:31 Pacific Rim any dad's watching Eric
02:34 that's Eric site of his of the desks
02:36 right there so you see lettuce a little
02:39 bit
02:39 bits of food the office so what is
02:42 thinking feeling willing so yes it is a
02:46 way to get all of your Waldorf
02:48 homeschool curriculum in one place
02:50 there's that but that's like this much
02:53 of thinking feeling really really it's
02:56 like this much of it so Eric and I our
02:59 marriage and parenting coaches and I've
03:01 been a homeschool curriculum coach for
03:03 more than ten years and so a long time
03:06 and we have five children or blended
03:09 blended family my older three children
03:12 are from my first marriage and Sammis
03:14 Raya the younger ones wants to see
03:16 Oliver and Mister stories are from the
03:19 Savannah so but he's actually adopted
03:23 some of our adult children so he's the
03:27 band he's the dad so we've been at this
03:31 a long time and we worked with thousands
03:35 of families a lot of families a lot of
03:37 families over the years and so what we
03:39 teach is stuff that we know that we back
03:42 up with like well you know we're doing
03:44 it every day and we're working we're
03:46 doing those the things that we were that
03:48 we recommend are things that we do we
03:51 don't we don't tell you to do anything
03:53 that we don't already do somebody will
03:55 ask me hey what about XY and Z I'll say
03:58 you know what I don't know anything
03:59 about that so I can't I can't give you
04:00 an opinion we only talk about things
04:02 that we do so I want to talk about
04:05 thinking feeling willing program and
04:07 then we're going to talk about holding
04:07 the space so don't go anywhere if you
04:11 are thinking feeling willing
04:12 feel free to chime in and shine about
04:15 how much you love your membership and if
04:19 you have questions you're welcome to
04:21 drop me a DM if you're on instagram or
04:23 PM if you're on facebook or drop me an
04:25 email Melissa at Waldorf essentials comm
04:28 I'm happy to help you so again it is a
04:32 way to get your water from school
04:34 curriculum but that's about this big of
04:36 it that much of it we also provide
04:40 training and the reason why our training
04:44 is different is because homeschooling is
04:45 different from being a school much
04:48 different and it's different depending
04:50 on who you are absolutely absolutely
04:52 because we talked so much about like how
04:54 you show up and and to your Hyland dad
04:57 who you're you know what your
04:59 temperament is and and the work you're
05:01 doing on yourself so all of those pieces
05:03 determine then you know how you show up
05:07 and we're actually tomorrow's training
05:09 is called understanding authenticity and
05:11 so you'll want to join us for that
05:12 that's at noon pacific tomorrow but
05:16 let's go through what's in our thinking
05:17 feeling long program because it's pretty
05:19 amazing there are 17 modules and i call
05:22 them mom lessons i think it's good to
05:25 say - that's important to say that this
05:27 has been developed over a decade oh yeah
05:30 yeah we opened the the first time we
05:33 launched it was seven years ago and the
05:37 reason why I started thinking feeling
05:40 willing was because I found that in our
05:43 my coaching practice I was saying the
05:46 same thing over and over again I was
05:48 sending people the same like I wouldn't
05:50 they somebody would say I don't know how
05:51 this song goes and so I would record it
05:53 and send it to them and then I had like
05:54 10 more people ask the same question or
05:56 I where's the best place I can find a
06:00 YouTube video for learning how to knit
06:02 and I would be like well how about I
06:03 just teach you yeah I was
06:05 there were there were things that I was
06:07 doing over and over and over again and
06:10 so I had this like spiritual prompting
06:13 like you know you should put all this in
06:14 one place so it started and started on a
06:17 blog that was password-protected seven
06:19 years ago and it was yea it was teeny
06:21 and had to change the password every
06:23 month because some people that aren't
06:26 very savory would hop on there and then
06:28 share the password on some Facebook
06:29 group and then everybody would have it
06:31 and so we had like we had many
06:34 incarnations and I actually really loved
06:37 where we are right now we just rebuilt
06:39 the membership part of our site with a
06:42 company called kajabi and they are
06:44 really robust as far as what they can do
06:47 for our students and I love it because
06:50 it also means that we have an off
06:53 Facebook support group so all of the
06:56 moms that don't really want to be on
06:57 Facebook but they're loving it like at
07:00 first I thought well I'm just gonna say
07:01 that we're just opening this what I what
07:04 I've noticed is that people are diving
07:06 deep like the Facebook end right now is
07:09 dead there's not a lot going on over
07:11 there everybody is in the new the new
07:15 support group that we created and so
07:17 super happy about that I'm super happy
07:19 that it is so full so so I love that
07:23 aspect of it because you have hundreds
07:26 of moms that are on the same path as you
07:28 and that have either walked it or
07:30 they're still walking it and and we have
07:33 a lot of season mums in there a lot of
07:34 brand spanking new moms in their moms
07:37 that are just like learned about Waldorf
07:38 yesterday and jumped on board moms that
07:41 have been doing Walter for all the time
07:42 moms that have little tiny kids moms
07:44 that have adult children so it is a true
07:48 community of people that are in going in
07:52 the same direction and there's actually
07:54 a dad's section in there that we're
07:56 gonna get up and going soon Erica's
07:58 gonna be hopping there more and we're
07:59 hoping that we can get some dads and
08:02 because really and truly this is not
08:05 just mom's job you know I think that
08:08 often it's seen as just BOMs job but
08:10 there are a lot of things that come up
08:11 like holding a space that Grant talked
08:13 about today that really daddy's been
08:16 involved in and then he's going to do we
08:18 different than mom does and so we really
08:21 we really wanted a place that was that
08:23 was comfortable for everybody so we have
08:26 that so we have this great support
08:27 system but we also have these modules
08:29 and like I said they're called the mom
08:31 less and so if you're if you've heard
08:33 about them on the Internet
08:34 I have a lot of people that send me a
08:35 message and go I just want to know how
08:37 can I get just the mom lesson I go it
08:39 doesn't work that way it's a whole big
08:41 program and the reason being there's
08:44 much more than just the mom lesson so
08:46 there's some own lessons and then we
08:48 also do regular training like this one
08:50 that we're doing tonight I'm holding the
08:51 space is something that happens for
08:53 those members on a regular basis we also
08:56 have weekly office hours where you can
08:59 come and just get help from me and it's
09:01 we do them over zoom and and that's just
09:05 like an online video conferencing you
09:07 can hop in there asking your questions
09:08 and I can answer them sometimes it'll
09:10 just be you and I sometimes it'll be me
09:12 and for other people but the idea is
09:14 that I'm there I'm answering questions
09:16 you have access to me I also have access
09:18 to me on the support group and you can
09:20 also email me if you need to so it is
09:22 I'm very much involved in it and I'm
09:24 very much there to help moms the other
09:27 great thing is this we also have leaders
09:29 across the United States and hopefully
09:31 soon across the world and they have
09:34 taken on this like mantle of
09:36 responsibility where they have they
09:39 speak for us in the areas that they're
09:42 in we have a leader in Florida we have a
09:45 to leaders in Colorado we have a team a
09:49 set of leaders in South Carolina we have
09:52 a leader that covers Indiana and
09:54 Kentucky and we have a leader in Salt
09:57 Lake City I'm missing somebody I feel
10:00 like I'm missing 70 yes I am Detroit Oh
10:04 Detroit and so we have leaders all over
10:07 the United States and
10:08 we're actually our dream is to have
10:11 leaders in every state on every
10:14 continent so that they can be me when
10:17 I'm not there when I can't be with you
10:18 another great thing is is I I have this
10:21 this desire to go and be able to be with
10:25 those groups so that then we can
10:27 interact and it gives you an opportunity
10:28 to have you know to have somebody can
10:32 speeder on the ground there who knows
10:34 her stuff and who you know who's been
10:37 trained by me who knows what they're
10:38 doing not just in the curriculum realm
10:41 but in the coaching realm too so we are
10:44 doing we have a coaching program that we
10:48 are working on that will be a
10:50 requirement for all of our leaders from
10:52 here on in and so I I want them to be
10:55 able to bring you what I can bring you
10:56 and it's great with if it's when I want
10:59 it personal so if you're interested in
11:01 any of those leaders drop you know I'm
11:02 happy to set you up okay so our mom
11:06 lessons like yeah I promise to stand
11:08 turn this time so the first one is read
11:10 them it's a whole like if you've ever
11:14 struggled with rhythm or you don't even
11:15 know what in the heck or the mess we
11:17 will get to sorbets rhythm is this the
11:20 first lesson the welder curriculum is
11:22 the second lesson and that goes into
11:23 reading Steiner understanding Steiner
11:26 understanding what he meant for the each
11:27 of the grades all of that inner work
11:30 which is this vast this vast thing that
11:35 so many that you know it's it's so B but
11:37 the inner work it encompasses a lot of
11:39 things it also encompasses temperament
11:41 which is has a long lesson of its own
11:43 because temperament can be so confusing
11:46 I think sometimes our people to
11:48 understand we have a mamasan handwork so
11:51 learning had all the ins and outs of
11:53 handwork and patterns to practice fine
11:57 music we have them on less than our
11:58 music teaching you we we actually
12:01 provide the music unfolds curriculum
12:03 then I co-wrote with Kimberly persons a
12:05 year ago and it goes through from
12:08 kindergarten to third grade
12:10 teaching you how to read music teaching
12:12 you how to teach your child it's
12:14 actually really beautiful we have a
12:16 month less than unformed wrong
12:17 understanding form drying all the forms
12:19 all of them so you have a well to pull
12:23 from as your as you're going through
12:25 your curriculum and through your grades
12:28 we have them on lesson on planning where
12:30 our planning for piece journal and that
12:32 course is part of that so we teach a
12:35 course on planning that starts the first
12:38 part of May this year and will go all
12:40 the way through September and I will
12:41 walk you through every single step on
12:43 what you need to do to get ready for the
12:45 school year
12:46 so that's part of thinking feeling
12:48 willing painting and drawing we teach
12:50 you how to paint draw the Waldorf Way
12:52 modeling we teach you modeling
12:54 indications for each year sort of how
12:57 they change and what materials to use of
13:00 that kind of thing we go through
13:02 festivals though all their festivals and
13:04 they're the great thing about the
13:06 support group now and having this all
13:09 together is that you know maybe there's
13:11 a festival that you you really want to
13:13 celebrate but you you want to know how
13:14 their people are doing it you hop on the
13:16 support group and say hey what are you
13:18 all doing for Michaelmas and then you'll
13:19 get everybody's answer for what they're
13:22 doing so you can pick what works for you
13:24 so that's what's so lovely about having
13:26 the support group we have a lesson on
13:29 learning how to write your own
13:30 curriculum so it takes you through all
13:32 of the steps of like what you should be
13:34 thinking about I definitely don't
13:35 recommend that you do that your first
13:37 year out I recommend that you get your
13:39 feet wet a little bit and learn
13:42 time understanding the recommendations
13:44 and why they are the way they are but
13:47 but it's that's a really robust program
13:50 in in itself it's a it's a course in
13:52 itself and it's part of the mom lessons
13:55 and with that course we go through not
13:58 just Steiners recommendations but I also
14:00 take the government standards for the
14:01 United States the common core and I
14:03 talked about how you can meet those
14:05 things within life Steiners work and
14:08 give you notes for all the grades that I
14:10 have taught and everything we have
14:13 listened on schooling several children a
14:15 lesson on creating circle time like
14:19 circle time creation because that can be
14:21 like it baffles people sometimes I go
14:22 it's okay calm down
14:23 it's a big deal I promise just think
14:26 it'll be fine so that's like another
14:29 course in itself but it's great it's in
14:32 the mom lessons there's a hundred and
14:34 thirty six songs that I said remember
14:36 when I was recording all those songs oh
14:38 my gosh I didn't want to talk for like
14:40 two days afterwards don't talk to me
14:42 recorded a lot of songs so and they're
14:45 not all in perfect pitch but they're all
14:46 recorded so you know the tunes to them
14:49 as you have all of that there we also
14:52 have we just added reading writing and
14:54 spelling the Waldorf way this lastv
14:57 winter fall we added that one what else
15:00 do we have we have our thrive program
15:03 which actually tonight's little lesson
15:06 comes from our three program the whole
15:08 idea of holding the space we have a
15:10 whole section on how moms and dads can
15:12 hold the space within our three program
15:14 and it is warm in here sorry y'all is
15:17 hot we would have it at the light plus
15:20 it's already warm today we would have
15:23 the fans on but
15:24 you know here huh so what other wine am
15:27 I missing I think I got them all I think
15:30 I think I got them oh I do have one in
15:32 the works that's sort of back here in my
15:34 head that's not I haven't talked about
15:36 it a whole lot but I'm planning to do a
15:37 whole one lesson I'll sleep how many
15:39 times do we counsel people on sleep a
15:41 lot we talk a lot about sleep so within
15:45 that you also get my dear friend Zig
15:50 Linda D Francesca who is the owner of
15:52 teach wonderment and the writer of the
15:54 dawn save gnome series you get her heart
15:57 downloads for the Covenant block grants
16:02 sorry that momentarily left my head so
16:03 you get that so you'll learn how to
16:05 color with block grants and it's it's a
16:07 lot of fun let's see what else do you
16:09 get you can get instant access to just
16:11 about everything in our store so yeah I
16:14 think and you get it for life so you pay
16:17 one time and somebody was asking me this
16:20 day do I have to buy it for every
16:21 student no you buy it one time it's per
16:24 family but one time and it lasts you for
16:27 the whole thing like for like it's a
16:29 lifetime program you have lifetime
16:30 access to it and there's no like set
16:33 time that you have to do things it's
16:35 self-paced but we do sort of keep you
16:37 going
16:38 we only launched it a couple of times a
16:41 year now we used to have it open all the
16:43 time what I found myself doing was
16:44 spending a lot of energy catching the
16:46 people up every time and so now we do it
16:49 a couple of times a year so that I can
16:52 onboard everybody at the same time we
16:54 can get started at the same time I can
16:55 get you all going are you gonna yawn
16:57 he's been out with children all day yeah
17:00 and he came home and was like hey I
17:02 think you should do this with me he goes
17:04 I can't go change my clothes and this
17:08 woman here when we drove all the way to
17:09 he went to Mexico today to get a pinata
17:11 I have to show this big honor I didn't
17:15 buy that in Mexico
17:16 let's buy it with buy Mexico I don't get
17:18 amazement it's a gigantic act
17:23 Soraya's afraid of piñatas and so I
17:25 guess I was amazed I mean cactuses so
17:29 that it was her birthday on Monday and
17:33 so we're having a gigantic party with
17:36 everybody except for y'all Kelly needs
17:40 some prayers our assistant Kelly was on
17:42 her way here and she stayed in Vegas
17:46 last night and somebody stole her car so
17:49 she's not coming here so that friend I'm
17:51 sad about but I'm more sad about the
17:52 fact that somebody stole her car yeah
17:54 she has to turn around and go home it's
17:56 super sad so if y'all are a meatball
17:58 Kelly and her family I just I just can't
18:02 believe that happen
18:03 but the pinatas for this giant party my
18:05 mom's coming Eric's parents are coming
18:07 all of my adult children I'm gonna be
18:08 there for sir as a birthday party so
18:10 that's Friday it's going to be very I
18:12 left the country today I came back
18:15 what's your small talk and now I'm live
18:17 on did you guys get churros today no but
18:22 they asked you for Charles no they
18:24 didn't is that misters is my thing
18:26 you know they didn't ask me for that I
18:28 usually I like to go to Mexico just to
18:30 get your us cuz we're that close the
18:32 Border Patrol guys are always like why'd
18:33 you go to Mexico I said to my churros no
18:35 I
18:35 are you kidding me lady no not kidding
18:38 you see my churros and other things I
18:40 was doing there yeah and then I got hit
18:43 in the way back home that I'm here it's
18:45 variegated they want to know where I was
18:48 born yeah anyway before I could come
18:52 home yeah that's fine so anyway I am
18:55 gonna get to our talk tonight thank you
18:57 all for listening to our antics it is
18:59 warm in here though I think that's all
19:03 with regards to our thinking feeling
19:04 willing program oh except for those of
19:07 you who like hard copies no hard copies
19:09 are included
19:10 absolutely included and so when you're
19:13 ready for and we recommend you not order
19:15 them all at once
19:17 somebody says please do a video about
19:19 the pragmatics
19:20 and The Melancholy child oh the
19:22 phlegmatic parent and mouth my child do
19:24 that we actually just did our pregnant
19:27 pragmatic oh ok pregnant yeah don't say
19:29 that we won't cover that when we do our
19:32 melancholy we're gonna do a melancholy
19:35 on Monday this coming Monday
19:42 yep this coming Monday at 6 a.m. Pacific
19:45 right here so um what was I saying I'm
19:48 sorry we so hard copies are included now
19:50 so when you are within we recommend you
19:53 don't order them all at once and this is
19:55 why every now and again we will update
19:57 them and you only get one so you can't
20:01 order grade one and then be like oh wait
20:03 a minute so I try to be like open when I
20:05 know that we're doing an update window
20:07 so I would or just such a name for the
20:10 year and that's kind of our role you canv
20:12 order play for peace journal every year
20:13 and so you always have a fresh new in
20:15 what just the idea so that you use it so
20:18 anyways now let's talk about holding the
20:19 space yes but I will remind you special
20:22 awesomeness for those who buy during our
20:25 video tonight presents from me okay
20:32 holding the space clothing this week do
20:35 you kids like this this is the best way
20:38 for me to explain holding the space
20:40 everything's going nice nobody's
20:42 fighting and then the phone rings and
20:44 you pick it up and you start talking on
20:46 it and then everything goes to hell in a
20:47 handbasket
20:48 that's because your energy went away
20:50 mm-hmm so holding the space is about
20:53 like your energetic presence and and
20:56 that's not something woowoo because
20:57 everything is energy
20:58 that's like scientific so when your
21:03 energy is withdrawn from that space of
21:05 like being with them they feel it and
21:08 because they're little people and they
21:10 don't know how to articulate it it often
21:13 comes out and like punching their
21:14 brother or somebody falls or the dog
21:19 throws up or like everything's like goes
21:22 crazy and sometimes they do something
21:25 that you would have never thought and he
21:27 human mind would comprehend that that
21:29 would be a thing to do there are rules
21:31 that I have made in my parenting that I
21:34 thought to myself I cannot believe these
21:37 words hey and we won't embarrass anybody
21:43 today no but you can all probably think
21:46 that something oh yeah we have five
21:50 children there's never a dull moment in
21:51 our house and I there have been times I
21:53 have gone I have said I can't believe I
21:55 had to just tell you you can't do that
21:57 why would you do that to begin with it
21:59 but you know a lot being able laugh at
22:01 yourself as a parent is is I think
22:03 recipe for a happy life so make sure you
22:07 laugh at yourself enough but holding the
22:09 space is this this concept that when you
22:13 are energetically present and that means
22:16 you're not just your it's not just your
22:18 body's there because you can't be on
22:19 your phone and hold the space you can't
22:21 be deep into a novel in all the space
22:22 you can't be listening to a podcast and
22:25 all in the space holding the space means
22:27 that you are energetically present
22:28 doesn't mean you have to be playing with
22:30 them because moms will say that me often
22:31 like do I have to play with my kids all
22:33 day I'm like hell no gods do happen no
22:35 don't do that in fact that sets them up
22:37 for failure I think when you're
22:39 constantly playing with them you have to
22:42 give them that space to understand how
22:44 to play yes and and I think that often
22:47 children if they had too much mania and
22:51 that can I mean too much media for one
22:55 child is nothing to somebody else but
22:56 yeah certain temperaments if they've had
22:58 too much media then they kind of forget
22:59 how to play you have to sort of go on a
23:01 media diet and remind them how to play
23:03 well one of the biggest indications to
23:05 me is when it's time to turn that off
23:08 and let me anger there's anger then a
23:10 tantrum okay that scent indication that
23:13 they had weights may catch it there that
23:16 mad about it and so I mean that's when I
23:19 know I mean there's other things that
23:21 tell you they've had too much and you're
23:23 Stern rules all only but if it's you've
23:28 got five minutes and it's off and then
23:30 five minutes
23:31 then it goes off and they're like yeah
23:35 like that then it's like okay and I
23:37 think there's a couple of things to
23:38 remember with the time warning yeah so
23:40 like when children don't really
23:42 understand the passage of time until
23:43 they're in about second grade and so 10
23:46 minutes to a two of five or six or even
23:48 seven year old it is not the same thing
23:51 as ten minutes to your eye and so you
23:53 want to be really careful about yeah I
23:56 mean usually would say it's going to go
23:58 off when this episode is over or you
24:02 know or something along those lines so
24:04 that you you are giving the expectation
24:06 and and if it's time if it's a child
24:08 that can understand that the passage of
24:10 time that I have seen older children
24:13 have tantrums and I go excuse me I mean
24:17 then you have things like Netflix where
24:19 if you're saying place you can watch
24:25 this and I need to be done in the notes
24:26 like if you're busy that's right so
24:29 what's up again the next one in Exmouth
24:31 and they're like well because Netflix
24:33 are really frosty in 13 seconds and
24:36 another episode is playing so you want
24:38 to be like you want to be careful if you
24:40 are using media at all to help you get
24:42 something done and now I'm not a
24:44 proponent of that like at all I would
24:47 say figure out a way to get it done with
24:48 them have them come and help you for
24:50 sure but I know that the reality for
24:52 some parents as they are stepping away
24:54 from media more and more is that they
24:56 are using it at certain periods of the
24:58 day so here's the thing most children's
25:01 shows lasts between 17 and 22 minutes
25:04 look at how long it is it's a great
25:07 little like when you push pause to tell
25:09 you how many minutes are left so then
25:10 your job is to set your watch or to pay
25:12 attention and if you are if you're using
25:15 the TV as a babysitter for 12 minutes
25:17 then you go get everything done that you
25:19 need get done in 12 minutes and come
25:20 back and be present being present that's
25:23 weird turning point as Kaitlyn says my
25:27 daughter doesn't get mad when we turn it
25:29 off or take away the screens but
25:30 definitely doesn't know how to keep
25:32 yourself entertained so I think that
25:37 Caitlyn is she an only child I think
25:40 there's definitely differences when
25:43 you've got because we have we don't have
25:46 commit fight show so I have the only
25:48 children situation but we have gaps big
25:50 gaps between the last two for sure so
25:53 there were definitely periods of time
25:55 when it wasn't working for one child to
25:58 play with the other and so you know
26:00 those children had to learn how to yes
26:04 she says yes one-and-done
26:05 they have to learn how to sort of
26:08 entertain themselves there are lots of
26:09 things that I would consider our
26:12 youngest loves handwork and she has for
26:14 a long time she loves painting and
26:16 drawing and so I have always had those
26:20 materials out for her like she's been
26:23 she's been painting since she was
26:24 probably 2 or 3 like by herself on her
26:28 own she can get the paper she has a
26:30 paint palette and we actually have a
26:32 video on you know art supplies for young
26:35 children so if you need it I can hook
26:36 you up with that but she she can go get
26:40 in herself she's knows how to rinse her
26:42 paint brush and all of that and yes it
26:44 gets it herself and paints on her own so
26:47 I have left the those spaces open for
26:50 her so that she can do those things on
26:53 her own she also is like who likes to
26:56 help so you know she'll she'll find
26:59 things to do that are helpful or I need
27:00 to be sitting at the table and it's not
27:02 something that she can actually do to
27:04 help I will suggest something that she
27:06 can do you know come and sit next to
27:09 mommy going should go get your crayons
27:10 and come and sit next to me while I'm
27:11 doing this you can do that you're still
27:13 holding the space because you're
27:14 energetically they're still but where
27:18 the problem is yeah it begins is when
27:20 you you start to check out and then not
27:24 only do they not know how to
27:25 taine themselves and they're struggling
27:27 with that but then because they feel
27:30 that energetic separation they don't
27:33 know what to do with it and they that's
27:35 and it's not just when naughtiness
27:36 happens it's when you know accidents
27:40 happen it's when they start to fall
27:42 apart it's there they're having a
27:44 struggle because they need that
27:46 energetic piece from you at least until
27:49 7 then it starts to that sort of tharok
27:54 bond starts to change a bit but then
27:56 they need they can't hold the space on
27:58 their own until they're a teenager and
28:02 even then certain temperaments are
28:03 better at it than others I think that's
28:06 part of what we're teaching them you
28:08 know we're not raising children and
28:09 raising adults we want work because if
28:12 we're raising children just be teaching
28:13 people how to be children we're teaching
28:15 people how to eventually be adults in a
28:17 very developmentally appropriate way so
28:19 you want to be very sort of you know a
28:23 concerted effort and you're deciding how
28:25 to do it I do want to say moms and dads
28:27 hold the space differently yeah which is
28:30 why he's here
28:31 well I dads I think apt I think often
28:35 dads will rely on at least in our
28:37 culture today they'll pull out their
28:39 phone yeah so I mean Lauren says I'm an
28:43 only child and I can see this being an
28:45 issue and I see how easy it is for my
28:47 kid to be occupied with other kids
28:48 around yeah well I have one example I
28:52 can think of of how we hold the space
28:54 differently is I remember I was out
28:57 running errands and I called you on the
28:59 phone because I we were discussing what
29:02 I was trying to find today
29:03 no like and I just had to write it well
29:08 when when I'm alone with her she has
29:10 this idea that when the car stops she's
29:12 going to unbuckle
29:13 until yeah get out of her seat and she
29:15 wouldn't do that to you but I was a
29:17 knocking on the phone and the next thing
29:21 I know she's flipping over the front
29:23 right the front passenger seat lands on
29:26 something breaks it and you're like why
29:29 was she even doing that in the car
29:31 like I don't know I was on the phone and
29:33 she just does it right there are things
29:36 that I think that there are things that
29:38 children would never dream to do with
29:39 mom and there are things that they would
29:41 never dream to do with that like ever
29:43 and in in that's just a testament to the
29:49 strong bonds you have with your children
29:51 that you and your partner have a
29:52 different bond and I actually really
29:54 love that I really love that if I'm
29:57 holding the space with the kids and it's
29:59 just us and or you know we're not doing
30:01 school and there's no media going we're
30:03 just hanging out I'm likely just gonna
30:06 be sitting there knitting and they're
30:07 gonna be talking to me we might be
30:08 listening to a story when but if dad's
30:10 holding the space with them they're you
30:13 know they're more apt to say let's play
30:15 a game let's do you know so they're
30:17 because he holds it differently and he
30:19 brings a different energy to it
30:21 I I think that to help dads get away
30:25 from like what do I do it then when I'm
30:26 holding the space because we hear some I
30:28 don't hear well I'm babysitting and I go
30:30 you're not babysitting that is not what
30:32 it's called when you're with your child
30:33 you're gone repair of parenting so you
30:36 have to like put tools in your toolbox
30:38 and I think that that's appropriate for
30:40 mom and dad because I think often mods
30:42 also don't know how to hold the space so
30:44 they go what do I do
30:46 they're just playing that doesn't mean
30:50 you should retreat into your phone or
30:53 because that's what happens is when you
30:54 do retreat into your phone that's when
30:57 that's when stuff happens even our
31:00 children who are pretty well trained
31:02 that if I am on my phone I try to hide
31:05 it's because I'm answering a work
31:07 question they're still gonna be like hey
31:10 mom hey mom hey mom like the little dog
31:12 and yeah in those those old cartoons
31:15 yeah like polishers yes like they're
31:19 they need something when when you're
31:23 engaged because they feel your energy
31:25 gone so Genesis so much yes Ella loves
31:28 to test her dad he is struggling to hold
31:31 the space as well as to find ways to
31:33 connect in discipline I think that you
31:36 said two important things there Jenna I
31:37 think when you connect you don't have to
31:39 discipline
31:40 much because you're you're making that
31:43 connection there they will if you have a
31:45 plan and it doesn't have to be like oh I
31:48 planned everything out like in my weird
31:49 choleric way like just a plan like when
31:52 I'm with the kids we're gonna read book
31:53 certain I'm alone what the kids are
31:54 gonna plan to know when I'm alone you
31:56 know whatever it is if you have a plan
31:59 to enroll your child in you know what it
32:04 is and that dad wants to do with them
32:06 then you won't have a discipline issue
32:09 generally generally later later on I
32:14 mean with this is really funny but later
32:16 on when we had small kids and like
32:20 teenager almost adult kids in the house
32:22 at the same time and if you were gone I
32:25 would have the older kids take issue
32:27 with how I was holding the space with
32:29 the younger ones they would even text me
32:31 and tackle on him I'll say you know what
32:34 he's my job is to say he's got it under
32:37 control I don't need to hear about it
32:39 and sometimes they they may have a point
32:42 we just had this recently where you were
32:44 you I it was right before our launch and
32:48 and we had a Disneyland a plan because
32:50 we live in Southern California did
32:51 Disneyland a plan and I knew that was
32:54 not where I needed to be and so Eric
32:56 took he took our old adult son and Sam
32:59 and Soraya and they went this is what I
33:02 hear from Mary she would not be pulling
33:04 this if you were here it was like okay
33:09 well but I'm not so it's okay it's okay
33:12 so when you had that I think it's really
33:14 important when you your kids get older
33:15 and they start to report to you you just
33:18 go that's okay
33:20 I know you can handle it or that's okay
33:22 she's got it under control because the
33:24 toweling is this dividing conquer thing
33:26 that I think they do
33:28 subconsciously without even knowing and
33:30 it goes back to my whole theory called
33:32 who's got my boob yeah and the who's got
33:34 my boob theory is it doesn't matter
33:36 how many children you have it doesn't
33:39 matter how old they are they will always
33:41 vie for your attention mom always like I
33:44 have watched it in adult children like
33:48 Iowa every time we're around all of your
33:50 siblings they all they don't want to
33:51 talk to us mother don't want our baby
33:53 buddy I'll do it time to your dad it's
33:56 all and then they all it says just it's
33:58 just one person wants to talk to you on
33:59 they all want to talk to his mom at the
34:01 same time and so as your children become
34:04 adults you sort of see it and it will be
34:06 very interesting because we have one
34:07 child that doesn't want to talk to me at
34:08 all right now but it'd be very
34:09 interesting when everybody else is
34:11 trying to talk to me if she actually
34:12 wants to talk to me during that time
34:14 period because I think that there is
34:16 this this energy difference between mom
34:19 and dad I know we live in this culture
34:20 where they want to make everything the
34:22 same and there everybody holds a
34:25 different energy and so you know you
34:28 kind of want to own that and be okay
34:31 with that and and find healthy ways to
34:34 express that find healthy ways to you
34:37 know have fun with your children and and
34:40 I think often when dad's gone at work
34:42 all day I mean you used to be that dad
34:44 that was gone all day you have to
34:46 consciously think about what are we
34:48 gonna do that's not like just a video
34:51 game or that's not like just a movie you
34:53 have to consciously think about well
34:55 what is it that they would want to do
34:56 and what is it that what they would want
34:58 to do with me that's different than what
35:00 they're doing with mom all day yeah
35:03 what would you say from a dad's
35:08 perspective of like understanding the
35:10 difference between like like seeing it
35:12 palpably seeing it what happens between
35:15 when you hold it and when you don't it's
35:21 there's a chaotic energy and there
35:24 energy of kids that aren't feeling
35:28 secure yeah because then when they're
35:30 not feeling secure they tend to question
35:33 everything and they tend to do things
35:36 that they wouldn't do and they do feel
35:37 secure and I think there's just a few
35:39 little tweaks what would you tell
35:41 another dad like if he if you had a dad
35:43 say to you so what is one of the secrets
35:45 yeah what would you say it's being being
35:50 present being mindful listening to
35:52 what's going on around you keying in on
35:55 what the emotions are i keying in to
35:59 what things are saying to each other
36:01 into you because then you know because
36:04 what but the message you're getting is
36:06 hey I don't feel safer I don't know
36:08 what's going on I need to know better
36:11 especially like when they're younger or
36:13 or when they say that they're little
36:15 toddlers but when they're they're big
36:17 enough that they start to wonder about
36:20 the things around them today
36:23 Sariah because we had to go pack
36:25 something I'm gonna say well today you
36:28 know when we I had to pick something up
36:30 on the other side of the brain gray and
36:34 her hair it goes to Mexico to get my
36:37 blood pressure medication because it's
36:38 cheaper there that it is here it's not
36:39 actually like this crazy deal no I'm not
36:42 doing something illegal he just got andv
36:44 actually it's better stuff better so in
36:48 about what some but sometimes we have
36:50 Dennis appointments day like so often
36:53 um I'm we're walking to the border and
36:56 she's asking me all these questions that
36:58 she doesn't normally asked I go well
37:00 what point are we in Mexico and what
37:03 point are we that it stays that lying
37:05 right what happens if you have a like do
37:08 you have passports what happens if we
37:11 don't have passports
37:12 why do those people get to go in that
37:14 line and we have to go and this my
37:16 there's Reliance there's a line for
37:17 foreigners from men lines were Mexican
37:20 penis watering you have to talk to
37:22 somebody you know on the other way and
37:25 yet no matter who you already have to
37:27 answer a bunch of Russians but and then
37:30 let me get the other side he loves that
37:32 part we get to the other side of the
37:36 she's like dad why don't the birds need
37:38 passports and my several birds are more
37:43 free than people are she's also fishing
37:47 desert innate so she's thinking so much
37:50 so much thinking um so much is going on
37:53 in her head but that told me that she
37:56 wasn't sure what was happening and she
37:58 wasn't sure where she was asking
38:00 questions and that astronomy you had
38:02 been buried in your phone she probably
38:04 would have acted up instead of asking
38:05 questions just zoned out or nice not
38:08 paying attention or ignoring her then it
38:10 would have escalated to more and more
38:12 things you know I think that whenever
38:14 you're going to a place like that
38:16 because I think you know that's kind of
38:17 it's not an extreme and it's kind of
38:19 like an most people aren't going to be
38:21 like going to Mexico every day no but I
38:23 think that when you're just out with
38:24 kids you
38:25 have to think about where you're going
38:27 what you could encounter and always have
38:30 an exit strategy why I always have any
38:33 that stretch I mean I end up being the
38:36 one that usually takes them to grocery
38:39 store trips usually I'm the one that
38:41 takes them right and often we sit down
38:44 at my grocery shop for a lot of years he
38:46 can do it knock it off if I made you
38:49 know a Google keep lists with checkboxes
38:51 right because we've talked about what
38:53 the menu is going to be for the link and
38:55 what we need and so I know what we're
38:58 giving and I'll get to the store and
39:01 I'll say look kids this is my list this
39:05 is what we're here to get we're not here
39:07 to tell us and then I know mom told me
39:12 that you shouldn't Ella on the list that
39:14 only happened actually one time when I
39:15 actually did ask him to put Nutella on
39:17 the list yeah then they milk it every
39:19 time and so this is what we got to do
39:23 and we got to get with some of this
39:25 let's say you guys to help me right and
39:28 that's good because that helps them know
39:30 you know I think often in our adult
39:32 minds and I think that this probably is
39:36 is something that dad would struggle
39:38 with more than mom because we're with
39:39 them all day and we take them places
39:41 generally except for in your kiss for
39:43 your home with them often dads like but
39:45 I don't have to think about anybody else
39:46 five days a week and now I have to think
39:48 about these other children these other
39:49 people and I have to think about what
39:52 you know what things to worry about but
39:55 guess what when you put thought to those
39:58 things then you don't have Tantrums yeah
40:02 the first thing that I would say to when
40:04 mom gets ready to leave in hands-off
40:06 holding the space to you dad it's the
40:08 first thing you should say is what was
40:09 the last thing these people ate yes if
40:12 she forgets to tell you you need to ask
40:14 because if you don't ask it's going to
40:16 be that that should be the first thing
40:19 you cue in on when things start to fall
40:21 apart you need to go home no need a
40:23 snack
40:23 and greenness or yeah I usually carry a
40:27 fruit bar or applesauce or something in
40:29 my bag there's what we call the uh
40:30 thirsty monster where it's out of the
40:32 blue website I came out with I'm thirsty
40:35 monsters a real entity I cannot say I
40:37 call it you know thirsty monster because
40:39 it's like I can't live another minute
40:40 without water where's the water we've
40:42 had children try to enact violence over
40:45 they have there's too much sure Oh Mike
40:47 hold up you still got spit in your mouth
40:48 caught me on another thing too I wouldv
40:51 say is you know Melissa and I we do a
40:55 lot of people watching when we're out
40:57 video and we live in this big city andv
40:59 there's lots of different people to
41:00 watch and I think one thing that happens
41:04 is I see parents that are asking
41:07 permission from their kids to do things
41:10 that's a big hotbed for me and stop and
41:15 then once you've handed over because
41:17 there's holding the space but then
41:18 there's another element of when you hand
41:21 over control well I do think there is a
41:24 parenting method that that I and I'm not
41:27 going to mention it here out of respect
41:29 for them but there is a parenting method
41:32 where you give kids a lot of choices and
41:34 that's a really bad idea I'm just gonna
41:37 say never give them a couple of things
41:40 don't ever give them a choice that it
41:42 wouldn't be okay with it like don't ever
41:44 give a consequence that you're not gonna
41:46 follow through on and don't give choices
41:48 that you're not okay with don't go you
41:49 can have this candy or this candy if you
41:51 really don't want them to have candy at
41:52 all and so you don't want to give too
41:55 many choices and be very firm in those
42:00 choices so okay I want to tackle this
42:03 because I think this is a good way so
42:06 how do I address the issue of not
42:08 holding the space with your partner it's
42:10 difficult to sit on the sidelines and
42:12 watch it all go down without overruling
42:14 dad when he is when he is in charge of
42:17 the time and then this mom says I have
42:20 to employ prayer for this so I don't
42:21 undermine
42:22 husband and wait for a moment feels
42:24 right to bring up the topic or an
42:26 invitation yeah absolutely Lauren that
42:28 is absolutely what one of the things
42:31 would be that I would say the other
42:33 thing I mean here's the thing dad knows
42:37 if it went to hell you know and I know
42:40 and so we're we're comfortable enough
42:42 with each other to say I think if they
42:47 had eaten that probably wouldn't have
42:49 happened and he's like yeah I know
42:51 or he'll say the same thing to me you
42:52 know they didn't eat it or or they
42:55 probably probably could use a walk
42:57 because I may not be cute into it I may
43:00 be trying to be present but I'm not
43:02 completely present once it fell apart
43:04 and that's falling apart I call that
43:07 when you do the crime scene
43:08 investigation and it's like okay so this
43:11 happened and before that this happened
43:14 and before that this happened and then
43:17 and then okay
43:19 this is where it started to go and I
43:21 have not write correctly here and I had
43:23 an opportunity to corrected there and I
43:25 had an opportunity and now here yeah one
43:28 of the things that we've gotten really
43:29 good at saying to each other is do you
43:31 want to talk about that like after the
43:33 after it's all happened because nine
43:36 times out of ten he's like no because
43:37 they know where it fell apart or I'll
43:38 say no because I know where it fell
43:40 apart like because we're really good at
43:42 that with each other if not if you're
43:45 not in that place I would absolutely say
43:47 honey I saw what just happened do you
43:51 want me to do you want to talk about
43:52 that don't me to give you some input if
43:55 he says no then then step away the next
44:02 time it happens say it again would you
44:05 like some input on that I've really been
44:07 working on holding the space and you
44:10 know I have these great coaches Melissa
44:12 and Eric can they talk about holding the
44:14 space all the time would you like to
44:15 watch this video with me I think that's
44:17 a really good way like especially
44:19 because Jenna I know that you're you're
44:22 a thinking feeling willing members
44:23 I would grab the Thrive videos on
44:25 holding the space I think that it's
44:29 important to support your partner at all
44:32 costs the only time I would say step in
44:34 is if your partner is hurting your child
44:37 then you step in for sure but that is
44:40 not the case most of the time if your
44:42 partner is making you uncomfortable
44:42 that's not the same as hurting your
44:44 child you can absolutely have a
44:46 conversation later like you could say
44:48 and I've never had to say this to Eric
44:50 for sure but you can absolutely say you
44:52 know why don't you two ever talk to a
44:53 try that way again we're gonna have to
44:55 have words about that and then talk
44:56 about it and that's just when you say
44:59 hurting it's not just physical hurting
45:02 no it's a motor saying like things that
45:04 are like yep
45:06 I mean and that's something we've talked
45:07 yeah my mom gets out of control
45:09 sometimes everybody everybody has a time
45:13 when they need a timeout what's great is
45:15 when my mouth starts to go Eric can hold
45:19 me on the like just it's just gentle
45:21 just take my arm
45:22 I and then I can shut up and I walk away
45:25 and hey that's it's cute like he's like
45:28 oh nice stuff in here I have also really
45:33 been working on like for the last 10
45:35 years on because of my temperament my
45:38 temperament is like I could bark and it
45:41 doesn't bother me and somebody thinks
45:43 I'm yelling and I'm like I wasn't
45:44 yelling that wasn't yelling I could yell
45:46 for you though if you like so I am
45:48 really good at being able to say this is
45:51 gonna come from you much better than it
45:53 is for me it was funny cuz you said last
45:55 last week you talked to our adults I
45:57 think it was like mom must be really madv
45:59 as she said she said to me it wasn't
46:01 last week but it was like back when he
46:04 moved in oh that's right that's right
46:06 that's right and it got to where he knew
46:10 that he had stepped in and big when it
46:12 was me that had to do the talk great hey
46:14 man were like I can't do this you need
46:16 to do it it's like oh man I really must
46:18 have stepped on it if you're coming I
46:19 mean no because you're the same
46:22 temperament make sure he knows that if I
46:24 need you to do it if I have to go in and
46:27 and retcon something or clean something
46:31 up it won't be pretty
46:33 and so yeah but I also know what I
46:39 shouldn't shouldn't say because I'm a
46:40 grown-up and I can pay attention to that
46:43 I'm not we're not gonna do any ads to
46:45 live video today but you are absolutely
46:47 welcome to make a comment in the chat
46:50 box don't read it for short let's see
46:53 Chloe says and ask real questions when
46:56 no as in no is an acceptable answer I
47:00 think it's really important that moms
47:03 and dads talk about these things
47:04 I also think it's important that you
47:07 talk about it when there's not a problem
47:09 so you know if this is a brand new
47:12 concept to you then the things that you
47:14 say what might be you know as as soon as
47:16 this video today and this concept of
47:19 holding the space really intrigued me
47:20 you know I know that like when you and I
47:24 are in the room together I can feel your
47:25 presence I think the kids can feel us to
47:27 like open dialogue have a conversation
47:31 about it and and instead of you know
47:35 instead of assuming that they know what
47:37 you're talking about
47:37 advice a holding the space 9 to 10
47:40 people that don't know anything about
47:42 Waller or anything about the work that
47:45 we do they would go what are you talking
47:47 about so you have to sort of you know
47:49 front-load that with that I'm learning
47:51 about something and I think it's really
47:53 interesting and I've been trying it at
47:55 home while you're gone all day and what
47:57 I'm finding is that when I'm trying it
47:59 at home it really works when I hold the
48:02 space so I was thinking that maybe you
48:05 and I could talk about how to hold the
48:06 space together well we're both home
48:08 together
48:08 and and really sort of like coming at it
48:11 from that way I don't know do you have
48:13 any other way do you have any thoughts
48:15 for men that are like I don't want to
48:17 hear this they should I love this one
48:20 they should just listen to me
48:22 you're right they should however they're
48:26 not gonna so do you want to continue to
48:29 beat your head against the wall or do
48:31 you want to actually do something that
48:32 is practice there's there's a place that
48:39 you have to find yourself where you're
48:42 willing to be humble about some things
48:44 19 is a how come a link with yourself
48:48 and your partner and kids aren't just
48:52 gonna listen because you're the dad
48:55 that would be nice but that is not if
48:57 you think about when you were what I was
48:59 just gonna say did that ever work for
49:00 your parents Mike about when you were a
49:03 kid but anytime I mom sit because I said
49:06 to I'd be like oh really lets me think
49:08 about how that could not be and I would
49:13 say if you resistant to finding ways to
49:16 hold the space and to be present and
49:20 find ways to avoid conflict you just
49:23 compare what things are like now to what
49:25 you'd like them to be and that sometimes
49:27 involves doing some things that are
49:28 uncomfortable or that it that's like
49:32 mess with your pride a little bit but
49:34 and that's not meaning you have to
49:36 compromise on who you are anything like
49:38 that it just means like there are
49:39 certain things that if you want things
49:41 to be a certain way there are certain
49:43 things that you have to do to make him
49:44 that way
49:45 right because I think again we're not
49:47 raising children or we're helping were
49:51 developmentally walking through this
49:53 path to adulthood and you didn't learn
49:57 just by somebody telling you one time
49:59 you learned by somebody systematically
50:02 either good or bad teaching you over
50:05 time so you have to be willing to be in
50:08 the space of teacher not just homeschool
50:11 teacher but I think when it's a when
50:15 someone a mom says to me Oh I'm
50:16 homeschooling that whole family is
50:18 homeschooling not just bomb so it's it's
50:22 something that is mom and
50:25 and and even grandma sometimes
50:27 everybody's involved in that and so
50:30 being able to talk about things and
50:32 really truly communicate is what's so so
50:35 important about you know this path and
50:39 that's what helps you be successful is
50:41 when you're you're willing to step step
50:44 aside and go you know I'm learning here
50:45 I'm trying to sort this out sometimes
50:48 what I find when there's this going all
50:51 the mom and dad about you know learning
50:53 is it mom says you know honey you may
50:55 have this parenting thing I'll figure it
50:57 out but I don't so I am learning that
51:00 often takes that off the hook because
51:02 then he can go oh see here all this time
51:05 I thought she knew everything and she
51:07 doesn't know everything and it's okay
51:08 for us to both be learning together yes
51:10 because I think often dads think oh well
51:13 she's with this child all day she knows
51:14 everything she does all the reading she
51:16 does everything and I don't know
51:18 anything and really and truly when you
51:20 can both come to a place of we're both
51:21 learning and and I welcome you to read
51:24 the stuff that I've been reading and I
51:27 I'll you know come to you you'll come to
51:29 me I think that that's really the
51:31 healthiest place to be anything else
51:35 to think we covered it all do you have
51:37 any questions totally happy dance of
51:40 course I think we're good but there's
51:42 way more to talk about but anyway do
51:44 your own baby give me all that money so
51:46 you can be here all we shouldn't because
51:48 we're gonna have some hangry people for
51:50 you're not careful again this is this
51:54 much of what we cover and I think a
51:56 feeling willing program if you have
51:57 enjoyed this conversation at all you
51:59 should highly consider becoming a member
52:01 we have these kinds of conversations
52:03 often and and I welcome them Eric and I
52:06 welcome them all the time so this is
52:08 this is what we do so again if you are
52:12 going to become a member
52:14 become a member before I push the finish
52:16 button on Facebook on Instagram I have
52:19 something awesome plant alright see you
52:24 guys later join us tomorrow noon pacific
52:26 for understanding authenticity see you
52:30 then
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