Temperaments - Melancholic

"...the important thing for the melancholic [child] is that the teacher be people who have in a certain sense been tried by life, who act and speak on the basis of past trials."

Roberto Trostli, Rhythms of Learning (2017)


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00:02     good morning everybody I'm Melissa

00:04     Nilson I'm Eric Nielsen good morning I

00:07     hope you had a wonderful weekend we're

00:10     gonna talk today about the empathetic

00:13     melancholic and but before we dive into

00:16     that just a couple quick announcements

00:19     we were 7 an email last week sort of

00:22     announcing because we're in partnership

00:25     with our fairies right now and their

00:27     launch is live so there is a link in

00:31     your on Instagram and our link train for

00:34     you to get their free books and if you

00:36     are on Facebook Kelly's gonna go ahead

00:39     and drop that in the comments and then

00:42     make sure your honor our mailing list

00:43     we'll go ahead and have another email

00:45     with that information today and that

00:48     card is actually open so we'll have that

00:50     information as well so so yeah herb

00:55     ferry it's just a little bit for if you

00:56     have listing you're like I don't know

00:57     the Hicker appraises I really like our

01:00     kids really like her furs and I really

01:02     like her pursuer furs is this wonderful

01:05     program and it's not all our essentials

01:08     we're just partnered up with them for

01:09     their launch and you know I at last year

01:14     when they approached me and asked me to

01:16     be an affiliate for them I was like oh

01:19     okay but you know I was kind of I was

01:22     excited for sure but it I wasn't sort of

01:25     sure how where that would go and then I

01:26     realized how much of our audience loves

01:29     our ferry so they're absolutely

01:31     partnered with them again and and I just

01:35     want to sort of share my own testimony

01:38     on review about our various our kids

01:41     have we've had our prairies for gosh we

01:44     were in the other house so it's probably

01:46     been almost four years four or five

01:48     years yeah easily

01:49     and so and before that we had the game

01:53     and the kids liked the game a lot and

01:57     the wild craft game and so you know if

02:00     you don't know her version you might

02:01     know that game so that the the creators

02:05     of our fairies are herbalists and

02:07     they're incredibly knowledgeable I have

02:09     been super and

02:11     pressed with the knowledge that they

02:13     pour into that and what then comes to

02:15     our kids so the air purrs is wonderful

02:18     there's books there's audios of all the

02:20     books and answer I loves listen to them

02:24     let's listen to them and there are also

02:26     like I guess they're kind of like

02:29     workbooks that you can print yourself at

02:31     home and there's a section once more for

02:35     younger children that Saraya has love

02:37     for the last few years and then there's

02:39     a section that's more for bigger kids

02:40     and Sam has loved that so I have found

02:43     that that it really spans the ages so if

02:47     you buy it from one child you'll have it

02:49     for you know kind of all your children

02:51     so there's like for the younger kids

02:52     there's more like coloring pages and

02:54     then this they get older there's more

02:55     like understanding each herb and sort of

02:58     what it does and you know hiking is

03:01     medicinally there's recipes and there's

03:03     craft ideas so it's really a fun

03:06     supplement I also really liked it when

03:08     we were doing bought me in fifth grade

03:10     for Sam he really enjoyed it that way so

03:12     watch our feet we're gonna have some

03:14     pictures of our kids with our fairies

03:16     this week and and yeah hop over and grab

03:20     that free book let's see where anyone

03:21     comment excited to hear this one I have

03:24     out Deena Ross's excited in here this

03:27     one I have for my colleagues in my

03:29     family well alright everybody you're

03:32     ready

03:32     I think what's funny about the

03:34     melancholy is they have a lot of people

03:36     that say to me I'll be any temperament I

03:38     just don't want to be that one I'm like

03:41     okay so yeah a melancholy gets a bad rap

03:44     because I think that when they're

03:48     unbalanced they they might be or at

03:52     least they might feel like it it may be

03:54     an it's our culture and sort of how we

03:56     look at sadness they might be like the

03:58     the hardest one to work through but I

04:02     also think that when you look at the

04:04     positive signs of the melancholy of the

04:06     melancholy I think that they're also one

04:09     of the most beautiful temperaments

04:10     because that's where we you know we gain

04:13     so much empathy and can learn about how

04:17     to have proper empathy by watching a

04:20     balanced melancholy haven't bethey you

04:23     know and and

04:24     care for somebody and I think that you

04:28     know those are kind of like the florence

04:29     Nightingale's of our culture and the

04:31     people that dive in are now ready to

04:33     help and and really thrive on being able

04:36     to help that's actually how the

04:37     melancholy stays balanced is on helping

04:40     others and and really being able to show

04:43     up for others and and be a good

04:46     reflection for them as they need it but

04:48     I think that where it starts to go arise

04:50     that there aren't balanced then that's

04:53     why if people say I don't want to be

04:54     melancholy and I go oh you let's just

04:56     get you balanced and then you won't feel

04:58     like that it's unbalanced they can feel

05:01     they can be kind of draining on

05:03     another's but to be fair all

05:05     temperaments can be draining on others

05:07     with their own balance like all of that

05:09     I mean the unbalanced choleric could

05:11     just be shouting and yelling at

05:12     everybody knew I'd be like oh my gosh I

05:14     just can't handle that or the unbalanced

05:17     phlegmatic could can seem like they're

05:18     just to slide along and I know it's

05:22     angling could be jumping around so much

05:23     that it makes you tired just watching

05:25     her so I think that truly all

05:30     temperaments have those negative sides

05:32     and I think one thing that we'll do next

05:34     month is we start to head into me is one

05:37     of the first weeks for our Monday video

05:40     we're going to sum up sort of you

05:42     noticed we've gone through all of them I

05:43     think we'll just do like a summation of

05:46     them and sort of more how they work

05:48     together and the best ways to to you

05:52     know really approach each other I will

05:54     say that if you are so struggling we

05:57     have a free in our free resources

05:59     section we have a I had called

06:02     temperament parenting and it's in our

06:05     resources so if you are an Instagram

06:07     it's it's in our bio in our links in our

06:10     bio and if you're on Facebook Kelly will

06:13     drop the link for that as well so so

06:17     what would you say because we're gonna

06:19     talk mostly about anecdotal stuff that

06:22     we've learned what would you say is the

06:24     hardest part of an unbalanced melancholy

06:27     the hardest part of an unbalanced

06:29     melancholy is that they can tend to take

06:32     things personally that maybe other

06:37     - and then that can result in things

06:42     that are being done on a spider

06:43     passive-aggressive right I mean I think

06:45     that if you have anybody in your life

06:46     that is super spiteful or

06:48     passive-aggressive they're probably an

06:50     increment Kali I think a lot of people

06:53     come to me and say I think I'm a

06:55     choleric but then she talks she goes on

06:57     to talk about like how pathetic she is

06:59     and how sad she is I go no you're not I

07:02     mean most of the time I would say that

07:06     there is it they're just as angry

07:10     melancholy there's not a I don't believe

07:13     and again this is like the temperament

07:15     Gospel according to ELISA better than

07:18     all of the thousands of people I've

07:20     worked with so many of them face to face

07:22     and knowing them in real life and and

07:24     getting an opportunity to sort of

07:26     reflect for them I do not see the

07:30     choleric melancholy mix like ever what I

07:34     see is an angry melancholy and now I

07:37     think it's important to talk about sort

07:38     of the differences there so I choleric

07:41     the anger that you hear from a cleric

07:43     comes from a different place it's

07:46     generally not tied to emotion in the

07:49     same way that it is with the melancholy

07:51     so a melancholy is emotion and the anger

07:54     is about like why are you doing this to

07:56     me is all about you're doing it to me my

08:01     children don't mind me my partner

08:05     doesn't doesn't respect me the people

08:08     out there don't they're they don't show

08:10     what they're doing to me the Col Eric's

08:14     yelling does not come from that place

08:16     it's an it's got to get done of it yes

08:19     it's like I can't believe you're doing

08:21     that let's get busy this needs to go

08:23     like like you need to do this and you

08:25     need it I mean it's more like a

08:27     dictatorship if you could if you

08:29     couldn't really think about like

08:30     somebody just dictating to you you have

08:33     to do this and this

08:34     and then getting angry because you're

08:35     not doing that it's never because of

08:37     what you're doing to me and and so like

08:40     I think about my own anger when I when I

08:42     get angry and in an unbalanced place

08:44     it's definitely from a place of I can't

08:49     believe you're so dumb

08:51     this is from that place of like in it

08:54     and that's not right of course it's not

08:56     right but it definitely comes from that

08:58     place of intellect rather than ego being

09:02     that it's like in my head I cannot

09:05     fathom why you would do something like

09:07     that

09:08     and it's not about why you would do

09:10     something like that to me because in my

09:13     mind it's all about like you're doing it

09:15     to everybody and very rarely would it be

09:19     I can't believe she did that to me so I

09:23     think that if you think that you are a

09:25     melancholy choleric I'm just going to

09:27     say you're not especially if you are you

09:31     know if we're talking about all of these

09:32     other pieces of the melancholy now one

09:35     of the things that I absolutely love

09:36     about the malachite is all the other

09:38     thing that they have because they do

09:39     have this this ability to help others

09:44     from an incredibly selfless way and and

09:46     that's how you elements that's like the

09:49     best way to go the to be in that place

09:52     of feeling complete balance is to help

09:54     others because then you sort of have

09:55     this mimimi mirror that's staring at you

09:58     and you've turned it around and then

10:00     you're shining it out towards everybody

10:02     or children that that lean towards being

10:05     melancholy we are melancholic we at

10:09     least sometimes set up service

10:10     absolutely when they world it absolutely

10:14     helped I was thinking about because we

10:15     have two that are that are pretty

10:19     melancholy one that was definitely

10:22     melancholy sanguine as a child and now

10:24     he's kind of flipped and he has that

10:28     more imbalance and one that was sanguine

10:31     melancholy as a child and as she's

10:33     flipped and she's not in balance and so

10:36     it's about like sort of sorting that out

10:38     and she's working on that

10:40     but one of the things that he knows

10:41     because there's adult son that is that

10:43     was here with us this week

10:45     and he's got a lot of people in his life

10:49     so he's getting ready to move first kind

10:51     of his first time as an adult he's

10:53     moving out of state into you know moving

10:56     from each other to Washington and so

10:57     there he's he's got all of these things

11:00     that are stressors for him when he's

11:03     stressed The Melancholy comes out more

11:06     much much more because it's it's all

11:09     again about they need to make sure they

11:12     don't do this to me I need to not you

11:14     know I need to not be uncomfortable like

11:17     that kind of place of me me me and and

11:21     and you know I think the thankfully he

11:23     has enough of the other and him it

11:25     doesn't keep because he's got the same

11:27     when he doesn't stay in it it's like

11:28     it's it's moves along yeah but I think

11:32     that that was one thing I was really

11:34     paying attention to this weekend was he

11:36     he was on edge but and and more

11:39     melancholy than we've seen in the last

11:41     few bit visits but it was definitely

11:43     tied to the stresses that he has coming

11:46     so they don't tend to do great under

11:49     stress because it's it's because it's

11:54     all a personal attack it's all about how

11:55     I feel now if there are more balance

11:59     then they can absolutely rise to the

12:00     occasion they can help out and and

12:03     that's how they they sort of stay in

12:04     that place is by helping so you know

12:07     they're they're your first responders

12:09     often in a in a crisis they are you know

12:14     people that are helping in natural

12:16     disasters they're they're they're on the

12:18     front lines of your your church

12:20     organizations usually they're very much

12:22     very much a in a place of you know

12:27     wanting to be helpful and and they might

12:29     not consciously know that that keeps

12:31     them balanced but our son that we were

12:33     just talking about he in his childhood I

12:36     we were always like I could drop him off

12:38     at a service activity and he'd be

12:40     fighting mad and he'd come home happy

12:42     and cheerful and and so we were actually

12:46     he and I were actually talking about

12:47     that last a couple of weeks ago he's

12:49     like

12:49     I feel like there's something missing

12:51     right now and I said we always have

12:53     service and you know life when you lived

12:54     at home so you need to find a way to

12:56     serve and then you're not going to feel

12:57     the way you're feeling right now and he

12:59     was like thank you thank you we had this

13:01     great conversation and he was really

13:03     receptive to that because he doesn't

13:05     want to feel in that drained place okay

13:07     let's see we've got two comments here

13:10     Olivia I can't read that okay she says

13:14     do you have a recommended test to take I

13:17     don't actually and I'm gonna talk about

13:18     that in a minute she says to figure out

13:20     what time remai you are I don't I my

13:22     recommendation of study so we have we

13:25     have some resources there's some free

13:27     resources on our site and then if you're

13:29     one of our members we have a homeless

13:32     and that's dedicated to temperament the

13:34     reason why I don't like online tests is

13:36     because they're incredibly inaccurate a

13:39     lot of people will say oh I picked by an

13:42     eye pectin and it's perfect and

13:43     sometimes that happens but more often

13:45     than not it leads you down the wrong

13:46     path and it's just because it's a robot

13:49     it can't tell you exactly those nuances

13:52     that are yours and sort of like me

13:56     thinking that because I took that test

13:58     at Disneyland them mrs. incredible and

14:01     and yeah it asked me like ten questions

14:03     and I those ten questions that's the

14:05     that's the avatar that it gave me but

14:08     it's definitely not accurate when it

14:10     comes to everything let's see lemon says

14:12     so true about anger where it comes from

14:15     she says I'm melancholy I love you I

14:17     mean somehow you figure that out is by

14:20     asking yourself what motivates you

14:22     absolutely what motivates you like like

14:25     daily and then applying matic they get

14:28     motivated by comfort with the physical

14:30     comforter like just not going to be in

14:32     uncomfortable situations right Annabella

14:34     call it's often motivated by emotional

14:37     needs and choleric is motivated by any

14:42     chance tests I've done and the same is

14:44     motivated by whatever like the next

14:48     shiny object I was not gonna make

14:50     shinier so so no I think that that's

14:53     that's very true I think that

14:55     ask yourself like what motivates you

14:57     also the question say I tend to ask

14:59     people when they are when they're trying

15:01     to start this out it is one who are you

15:05     and your sick who are you and you're

15:07     angry who are you and your joy enjoy and

15:14     then when you are yelling at your

15:16     children where's that coming from

15:18     are you angry because of what they did

15:19     to you say I'm just saying your kids are

15:22     the mess I'm not angry because they did

15:23     them as to me I might say I just clean

15:27     this place but I don't take it like

15:28     personal as in you hurt me because you

15:33     ruined what I just cleaned I would be

15:35     more like I just cleaned this we're

15:37     working on it together that can it

15:38     cleaned up

15:40     public comments over here it says the

15:45     test led me down the right path this is

15:47     Lennon and she says I can figure out

15:49     pretty fast which the answers are which

15:51     temperament so I tried to pick the

15:52     answers that were the temperament that I

15:54     wanted to be yeah that's what generally

15:56     happens it just generally happens Dina

15:59     says I find my mouse can be extremely

16:01     selfish yes ma'am they can so when

16:04     they're unbalanced a melancholy can be

16:06     very selfish and and I think as they're

16:10     sort of seeking a place of balance if

16:14     you have been unbalanced as in you let

16:16     everybody walk all over you and then

16:18     you're just angry about it because they

16:21     do think that tends to happen they would

16:23     they tend to be more people pleaser

16:24     yeah then like then as soon as they tell

16:27     you that they want to do what you know

16:29     do for you as soon as you turn your back

16:30     on I can't believe her I can't believe

16:32     she did that to me so mean it so I'm

16:34     consider I don't like just on and on and

16:36     on rather than you know what I can't I

16:39     can't do that for you right now and so

16:42     so she has a problem with saying no and

16:45     because she has a problem with saying no

16:47     then she tends to be then very

16:50     passive-aggressive and it might not come

16:53     out at first especially if it's somebody

16:55     that she likes and she respects but it's

16:57     there it will come out eventually

17:00     I'm not seeing at what age do kids

17:04     reveal their time permit I think that

17:05     that's um

17:06     that's a tough one I think

17:07     of us know exactly what temperament our

17:09     children wore when they were born

17:12     and other children take a lot of time to

17:14     develop I also find that there are times

17:18     when things flop a little bit so our

17:20     kids that have the sanguine Melancholy

17:22     blend one was melancholy sanguine until

17:26     he was probably gosh he probably didn't

17:29     start to flip until he was like 16 yeah

17:31     I do think a lot of hit his situation's

17:35     environmental yeah because of my my

17:38     ex-husband is a pretty unbalanced

17:40     melancholy

17:41     he's a melancholic phlegmatic and so

17:44     that definitely when we're analysis

17:47     parents it definitely affects our

17:49     children in their balance for sure and

17:51     then my daughter that was saying when

17:54     melancholy she flipped probably about

17:56     the time of puberty I'm thinking 13 12

17:59     13 14 is when things started to really

18:02     flip for her so I think that you want to

18:04     watch whatever temperament you think

18:06     your children are and just sort of just

18:08     sort of work with what's showing up and

18:12     always be looking deeper because they

18:14     tend to change a bit she says I didn't

18:19     realize we flipped I figured that's what

18:21     we were born with so it's not about

18:23     flipping so much and in their case they

18:25     flipped for sure but but I think that's

18:27     because they were almost pretty evenly

18:29     split what happens is with with all of

18:33     this developmental changes that happen

18:35     in puberty the trueness comes out the

18:38     that that that true space comes becomes

18:41     then full full force so I don't think

18:44     it's about not being born with it that

18:46     way I do think because they do believe

18:47     that we show up this way and we show up

18:49     we are born with our temperament it

18:51     comes I believe it's attached to our

18:53     spirit but I believe that our

18:55     developmental spaces that happen at 3 6

18:58     9 and some kids you'll really be able to

19:00     paint really well at 9 12 15 18 all of

19:04     those three-year cycles they tend to

19:06     deepen our temperament and strengthen

19:08     our temperament and strengthen the

19:10     situation or the the direction that

19:12     we're going in you know as we become

19:15     adults and I think that that truly if

19:19     you look back

19:20     on the seeds of like a more adult child

19:24     if you look back on the seeds of that

19:26     child you will definitely see those

19:29     seeds because ours that flip I

19:31     definitely can look back at both of them

19:34     and see seeds of the strength of the

19:36     temperament that they have now in their

19:38     early childhood and like in very much

19:42     I just think about what a monkey Jacob

19:44     was like she was all over everything and

19:46     he went from thing the thing the thing

19:48     and and he was super super sanguine and

19:52     then it started to flip when he was

19:55     younger

19:56     so just sort of be an observer and and

19:59     work with what's showing up for you and

20:01     for your child okay Becca says that's

20:04     such a great description of how each

20:05     type is motivated thank you very thank

20:09     you

20:10     I know I included him for now I think

20:14     that um I think that like I said I think

20:19     that this temperament gets a bad rap and

20:21     and I think that it we really have to

20:24     like encompass the fullness of it and

20:26     and really see the beauty that's that's

20:28     on this on both sides I think that the

20:32     the pairings like as in like being

20:35     married that are going to be the hardest

20:37     would be a choleric melancholy pairing

20:41     because I think there'll be a lot of

20:43     struggle and I think there's a tendency

20:45     for the choleric if they're unbalanced

20:47     to overpower the melancholy

20:50     I definitely think in my marriage with

20:52     my ex-husband Michael air was showing

20:54     much more but a lot of it because it was

20:57     because I just I needed more I needed

21:00     more and they were in melancholy

21:02     melancholy and flight medics have will

21:05     issue that their will needs to be built

21:07     up because they have low will and the

21:10     sanguine and that the choleric have like

21:12     a will in abundance that needs to be

21:14     tamed and so I remember always feeling

21:19     like I needed more and it did more and

21:21     because of that I overcompensated for

21:24     and not in a healthy way

21:26     and then absolutely you

21:30     works on how both people show up so I

21:32     think that there if you're both balanced

21:35     I think that it can be a beautiful match

21:37     but if anybody's unbalanced this would

21:40     be really hard I think that melancholy

21:43     is tend to be the temperament that goes

21:46     through depression the most and and I

21:49     don't think that I'm gonna talking about

21:52     postpartum depression or anything like

21:53     that because I think that kind of

21:54     hormonal depression affects anybody but

21:57     I think that as far as like looking at

21:59     the glasses how empty this we're sure

22:02     part but that's a melancholy and

22:05     phlegmatic trade I'm looking at the

22:06     glass half empty and and you might say

22:10     that

22:10     well we're bring more more realistic

22:12     we're more pragmatic or we're more I'm

22:14     like no you're not there's a difference

22:17     but that's just like the overly

22:19     optimistic part of me that's like no you

22:22     can't think like that so I think that

22:26     another pairing that can be hard is if a

22:31     if a melancholy is melancholy with the

22:33     phlegmatic and her tone if she marries

22:36     or gets with somebody who's phlegmatic

22:38     with a melancholy undertone

22:40     because then y'all are gonna be sad and

22:41     lazy all the time and that's gonna be

22:43     really hard for you not going to have

22:44     that off let's see daddy says that's

22:47     interesting i'm choleric and my husband

22:50     is melancholic but most of the time we

22:52     just balance each other out I think that

22:54     if you're both balanced I think that

22:56     that can be a beautiful pairing any of

22:58     them can be I mean I really think that

23:00     any two temperaments can go together but

23:02     you really have to be good at like how

23:06     your your showing up and how they're

23:08     showing it I mean I think that like for

23:11     instance we're both very different when

23:13     we're sick Eric likes to hide he likes

23:17     to get comfortable and and I know he

23:20     likes to be comfortable so because I am

23:23     working every day to be balanced I'll

23:25     say is there anything I do to make you

23:26     more comfortable me I'm like Tim I'm so

23:29     mad that I'm sick I get mad that I'm

23:33     sick and in resting while I'm sick it's

23:36     like really hard for me really hard for

23:39     me

23:40     let's see somebody says have you studied

23:43     miners brakes okay so yes so if you if

23:45     you missed our other our other videos I

23:48     would suggest you go back and you watch

23:50     those because we covering all the

23:52     temperaments and we talked extensively

23:53     about me and I extensively but a lot

23:56     about myers-briggs so this is what I

23:58     believe I believe your temperament is

24:01     attached to your soul that you show up

24:03     here with that and myers-briggs that the

24:06     personality type is attached to your

24:08     body it's attached to how we show up

24:10     here so it sort of sits on top I do

24:12     believe they can work well together we

24:15     have a business coach that does

24:16     extensively and exclusively myers-briggs

24:19     and and I love you know I think he's

24:23     great coach but I go man if you could

24:24     just get temperament in there too that

24:27     would totally it totally opens up the

24:29     door even more when you understand both

24:31     because here's the thing with

24:33     myers-briggs I show introverted but I'm

24:37     an eclair ik and so people want to just

24:39     take that and you can't take that just

24:41     that you have to look at both

24:42     it's okay both so let's see I think I

24:47     got a lot I think we're good there Oh is

24:51     there anything else

24:51     oh this that's all right let's see yep

24:57     okay let's see hold on Oh gets more this

25:01     is communication is the key yes ma'am it

25:03     is this is Becca she says because if

25:06     you're opposed but if you're opposites

25:09     excuse me if you're opposites that's

25:13     easy to resent or judge or not sitting

25:16     or sit in not understanding the opposite

25:19     if you're similar it's hard to get the

25:22     pieces neither of you get yeah let's see

25:26     what else it says that's long it's

25:30     really comes down to self awareness yes

25:32     it does being brutally honest about

25:35     yourself to yourself yes it does and

25:39     willing to be flexible and open I've

25:41     really found that to be true with our

25:43     marriage in using the old if Essentials

25:45     program thank you so much for saying

25:47     that I think that anne-marie says the

25:50     Enneagram does both on many

25:53     yeah and marina was talking about that

25:55     the Enneagram stuff that she feels like

25:57     it does Paul I have not studied that a

25:59     lot yet so I don't have an opinion on

26:01     that but but I do think that that you

26:04     that it is different it's different than

26:07     the myers-briggs for sure and and

26:09     definitely what Becca says I think if we

26:11     have to be brutally honest if we're on

26:13     this path anyway and we're on this path

26:15     of inner work and and trying to show up

26:18     as our best selves then that means we

26:20     look at the the bad and the ugly

26:22     sometimes

26:23     it's not fun but but but it's definitely

26:28     something that we that we have to do we

26:31     have to we have to look at it and then I

26:32     think that what happens is as we look at

26:35     ourselves more then we open up for our

26:38     children and for those that were around

26:41     us

26:42     we're when we're aware of what what's

26:45     moving us right I mean what's pushing us

26:48     moving is motivating us and what's

26:51     causing us to react to certain things

26:53     and we can navigate it for ourselves

26:54     better right and then that makes us more

26:58     balanced and the unbalanced stuff

27:01     doesn't go take you to an instructor

27:04     path nah that's totally it can be

27:06     destructive if you're not and I think

27:08     what tends to happen at first is that we

27:12     start to learn about temperament and

27:13     then we just want to go judge everybody

27:15     else yeah but we have to make sure that

27:18     as we're learning about everybody else

27:20     that were continually a mirror for

27:24     ourselves continually let's see have a

27:29     get another one over here Jackie says

27:32     yes I'm choleric and an introvert but

27:34     many people do not believe I'm an

27:35     introvert because of my clerics Turk yes

27:37     ma'am I actually when I took the Myers

27:39     brakes tonight and I came up introverted

27:41     and then I sat with it I thought well

27:43     yeah because I might be loud and I know

27:49     in a leader position often but but being

27:52     around people exhausts me exhausts me

27:55     and I have to recharge let's see

27:58     she says I'm pretty sure I'm sanguine

28:01     but not so

28:02     life of the party or have or to have a

28:05     party maybe it's myers-briggs ENFP that

28:08     makes me feel sync when I need to study

28:10     more

28:11     yeah I think that no way you would know

28:14     you're sanguine is if you have 10 books

28:17     on read on your bedside or you've read

28:21     like three chapters of each one or you

28:23     have you know like six knitting projects

28:26     that are that you can't make yourself

28:28     finish or you've got your or lessons for

28:31     your kids all planned for the year but

28:33     you're still like if you're looking your

28:34     lesson plan so you haven't been able to

28:35     finish any of them that's how you would

28:37     know it's just that that's yep that's

28:41     how you wouldn't know that you're

28:42     probably sing good The Melancholy when

28:44     it comes to sort of let's see whole but

28:48     Danny says at least people who don't

28:51     know me well yeah I think that the

28:54     melancholy the way she shows up for

28:56     school and I see this often she will

28:59     often be worried about starting because

29:02     she is so where she can't do it right

29:04     yeah so that comes from a like I think

29:07     the melancholy moms they wear the mom

29:09     guilt badge like better than anybody

29:12     else they're constantly worried about

29:14     their children constantly worried that

29:16     that they've either done something wrong

29:20     or that they're doing it wrong all the

29:23     time and so and I see that in melancholy

29:27     moms and in phlegmatic melancholy moms I

29:29     think that phlegmatic melancholy is a

29:30     hard combination in in a you know in a

29:35     person because the the phlegmatic that

29:37     doesn't want to be uncomfortable so it's

29:39     the harder fit on the start yeah but the

29:42     melancholy doesn't want to screw it up

29:43     so and and your temperament already is

29:46     that I'm oli gonna do it if I know I can

29:48     do it right so you've got like the

29:50     perfectionist streak there and then the

29:52     melancholy is got the perfectionist Rick

29:53     I know I if I can't do it exactly the

29:57     way I want I don't want to do it anyway

29:59     because I'll do it wrong and so that

30:01     that's a hard that's a hard one to have

30:03     to be side by side but I think that when

30:07     it comes to the melancholy mom I would

30:09     say do your school planning like we're

30:12     getting ready to make

30:13     planning for peace announcement this

30:14     week and we'll talk about all the times

30:16     that will be that what we going so I

30:19     think we're gonna do that announcement

30:20     on Thursday morning but I don't call me

30:24     yet because I don't know well watch the

30:25     announcements we'll have them up I think

30:29     that you do your school planning you you

30:32     be brutally honest about the things that

30:34     you need and then as you are going

30:38     through your school year you make sure

30:39     that you've got all the say that so

30:41     you're comfortable so you feel

30:42     comfortable and you feel good about what

30:44     you're presenting so you're you're going

30:46     to probably study more than another mom

30:49     would and that's okay

30:50     give yourself plenty of time because

30:53     what will happen is if you don't then

30:55     you're going to feel like you're failing

30:56     constantly and and if you are in that

30:59     space where you think you're failing

31:00     constantly I'm just gonna tie it you're

31:02     not so just it's okay

31:04     we'll have yourself a little bit more

31:06     you're not failing constantly that's one

31:09     view comments here Kailyn says I'm

31:11     always listening to the five audio but

31:13     to five audiobooks at the same time and

31:15     the podcasting me tweeting oh how you do

31:17     that I don't know how you do that we

31:21     have a son that is very decidedly fling

31:23     our adult our oldest is very flag Matic

31:26     with a good dose of England he can play

31:29     a video game listen to podcast i watch

31:31     TV show at the same time i at the same

31:34     time I'm the Hank does that and no one's

31:36     worried that I needs one of them I don't

31:39     know about that

31:39     let's see Caitlin also says that's me

31:43     mom guilt is so hard I don't want to do

31:46     something unless I think it can be

31:48     perfect embraces the inner work that we

31:51     are all doing we'll bring up a lot of

31:53     stuff about ourselves and we must be

31:55     forgiving and encouraging to one another

31:58     especially ourselves it's easy to see

32:01     our faults but sing good ah what

32:05     happened

32:06     did I do that there we go it's easy to

32:10     see our where did it go

32:16     sorry I pushed a button then I just

32:19     pushed it again what happened push

32:22     another button

32:24     no oh no oh they're a gambler oh my

32:32     goodness you guys technology sometimes

32:33     it's important to take the information

32:35     and also make sure to take all the good

32:38     that we have to don't dwell on the

32:40     weaknesses as much but beginning to see

32:42     your strengths - absolutely I think that

32:45     whenever anybody anybody says to me I

32:47     don't want to be that temperament I go

32:48     okay let's look at all the positives

32:50     before we start I'm thinking about the

32:52     negatives because you know we've talked

32:54     about this before we are and I'll read

32:57     those in just a second we are almost

33:00     completely programmed by our environment

33:03     by the time were seven so if we have

33:06     been in a place where we've had somebody

33:08     say to us you need to stop crying

33:10     or stop being so emotional or all of

33:12     that our entire lives

33:13     then we're holding onto that and we are

33:16     that's the only way we know how to show

33:18     up and so we have to really work at what

33:22     needs are being filled by me being

33:25     unbalanced how do i balance and how do i

33:28     look at the good things that I bring to

33:30     so that we are taking that that that

33:33     subconscious programming that was

33:35     happening as as we were children as we

33:37     were growing and we're replacing that

33:40     with goodness we're replacing that with

33:43     you know the best place pieces for us to

33:46     show up and that takes time and it

33:49     definitely takes a lot of study and it

33:51     takes being very deliberate about it and

33:54     you know when it comes to anything

33:56     whether it be blocks about you you don't

33:59     have good friendships or blocks about

34:01     money or blocks about I you know I

34:03     always attract their own people or I can

34:05     never do this anything like that and

34:07     that goes across the board for all

34:09     temperaments but we have to look at the

34:12     best pieces of our temperament and be

34:15     able to walk forward with them let me

34:17     grab a couple more over here and then

34:18     there's some over there just what

34:20     Beckett says one of my best friend

34:21     is melancholy we have found what we

34:24     found is that she is also the mom who

34:26     will do things 1,000% to make sure it's

34:28     done absolutely the best and rocks it

34:31     out of the park once she gathers her

34:33     motivation because she's hyper aware of

34:38     her children's emotions around whatever

34:40     she is wanting to do very much so I

34:43     think that there's a lot of moms with

34:47     special needs our moms that have kids

34:48     with special needs and I we have kids

34:51     with special needs and I know how much I

34:53     beat myself up I know that those

34:55     melancholy moms I have kids too special

34:57     needs they're beating themselves I

34:58     wonder dolls anymore than I am yeah

35:00     because they're so but you don't want to

35:03     do anything wrong you you're hyper aware

35:05     whether or not they be eaten in the

35:07     whether or not they slept enough and

35:08     whether you know what supplements are

35:09     taking and while I'm aware of that I

35:12     don't take it from this emotional place

35:14     but you take it all on

35:16     so mom take breaks yeah to make sure you

35:19     take breaks I would say also The

35:21     Melancholy mom will never get a

35:23     babysitter she will really beat herself

35:24     up about a babysitter and that will be

35:27     your detriment so like health-wise so I

35:32     want you to be in a place where you are

35:34     willing to look for somebody that will

35:38     help care for your children as not as

35:40     well as you can but at least to your

35:42     standard let's see Becca says she's also

35:46     really great at keeping a pulse on her

35:50     children's feelings and self-esteem dagi

35:52     says ideas to help a very melancholy

35:54     nine-year-old who very much does not

35:56     want to come down to earth very much

35:58     living in the world of unicorns fairies

36:00     angels being nine is so painful for her

36:03     well one I would say let her live in

36:05     that world because being magical is a

36:09     good thing too I would start getting her

36:13     into doing some service projects you

36:17     know look I don't if you're part of a

36:19     church you should look at that if you're

36:21     not look at some so

36:22     organizations there's a website called

36:24     just serve and they most of the

36:27     opportunities are usually for adults but

36:29     you can sometimes find some on there for

36:31     children and it might be something as

36:33     simple as walking a neighbor's dog for

36:35     them helping and they burn with their

36:36     gardening helping you know something

36:38     very simple when our daughter was nine

36:42     our our oldest daughter she really

36:45     struggled like she was like suicidal at

36:48     night I used to remember we worried

36:50     about her so much because she was she is

36:53     taking everything in the 90 or changed

36:56     for kids that are melancholy is I think

36:58     really rocky really hard and in it was

37:03     it was then that we were really making

37:06     sure that she had enough enough service

37:10     like she went and made quilts with old

37:12     ladies at our church that were quotes

37:15     that were sent to refugees something

37:18     like that they were they were they were

37:20     they were they were it was something

37:21     bigger much bigger than her yeah she

37:24     needed something that was much bigger

37:25     than her and sort of having that it

37:28     would fill her bucket and she went for a

37:30     while when she was really struggling

37:32     she went twice a week and it's because

37:35     one would just get her to the next one

37:36     and she knew that the she could go and

37:38     be encircled by those older ladies that

37:40     were there making quilts and she could

37:42     be encircled by their love and she could

37:45     do something that was then service

37:47     oriented for somebody else and being

37:50     able to turn that mirror around because

37:51     that mirrors is that they're looking in

37:54     that mirror that says I am not worthy I

37:55     am stupid I you know I'm all of those

38:00     bad things that we say to ourselves and

38:02     that you turn that mirror around and

38:05     reflect it to the world so that mirror

38:07     then can be I can't help this person I

38:10     can help that person and while I might

38:11     be struggling when I have this person I

38:13     feel better when I help that person I

38:15     feel better when I do this and it's not

38:17     enough to have them serve you you have

38:21     to have them serve somebody else

38:25     it has to be somebody outside your home

38:27     it can't be it cannot be somebody in

38:29     your home it just doesn't work that way

38:31     let's see over here we have mm this bump

38:37     says now I just need to figure out my

38:39     secondary any tips for getting motivated

38:43     as a melancholy well if you're having

38:48     trouble really with motivation then your

38:50     your secondary might be like manic yeah

38:55     but I would say what what makes you

38:58     happy what makes you happy that should

39:00     motivate you you know what makes you get

39:03     out of bed everyday now if you're if

39:05     you're really struggling with depression

39:06     you might be thinking to me or saying to

39:08     me lady I'm only out of bed right now

39:10     because of my children start there

39:13     start there get out every day I think

39:17     that melancholy I think all all

39:20     temperaments need to make rules for

39:21     themselves like non-negotiable rules but

39:24     in it as far as like those rules I mean

39:27     they keep us on the straight and narrow

39:30     like huge bus balanced and and those

39:33     rules might be like it's a choleric one

39:37     of my rules is that because I like to

39:39     control everything one of my roles is

39:44     that I I have to let my children help me

39:46     regularly because otherwise I will just

39:51     like just get over I'll to it and and a

39:55     part of that is I don't want the mess

39:56     that comes from them helping me and I

39:58     can do it faster and better and so I

40:01     have to let my children help me like the

40:03     choleric mom would do everybody's chores

40:06     and then me pissed off that she was

40:09     doing all the chores not mad that people

40:11     were doing it to her but just mad that

40:13     she was doing everything and so you know

40:15     our challenge is to teach others and to

40:19     slow down the melancholy mom will do

40:22     everything for her children because she

40:24     doesn't want to inconvenience them

40:26     two things that that's the best for them

40:28     to not have to do any chores when it's

40:30     actually back work you have to help

40:33     children to do those things so you want

40:35     to look at sort of the path that you're

40:37     on to balancing and think about some

40:40     non-negotiables for yourself and and you

40:43     know I would say The Melancholy mom has

40:45     to get out in the sunshine as often as

40:48     possible if you are living someplace

40:50     where seasonal affective disorder is

40:53     rampant you want to make sure that you

40:56     have those daylight bulbs inside and

40:58     that you are getting as much candlelight

41:01     as possible in the darker months because

41:03     the candle the light of a beeswax candle

41:05     emanates the light of the Sun emanates

41:09     that's not the word is like the light of

41:12     the Sun yeah I had a stroke a few years

41:14     ago but sometimes the words just don't

41:16     kind of think of the right synonym for

41:18     them massa let's see

41:22     Becca says we have a service fairy at

41:25     our church she's 10 and also in the

41:28     magical world so yeah I think that we

41:30     want to keep children magical as long as

41:32     possible

41:33     I think that's all of them okay so I

41:36     think that's everything does anybody

41:38     else have any questions as we wrap

41:39     things up here we could talk about this

41:42     forever and so what I'm going to invite

41:45     you to do is write down your questions

41:47     if you're thinking feeling willing

41:48     member I want you to hop onto this the

41:50     new support group and pop the quite your

41:53     questions in the temperament section and

41:56     we can talk about it there if you are

41:58     not a thinking feeling willing member

42:00     hang on to your questions and only do

42:02     our summation of the temperaments which

42:04     is not going to be next week is probably

42:06     the week after then you know then you

42:10     can bring them to that session and we'll

42:11     talk about them then or you're welcome

42:13     to message them danyoung me message them

42:15     to me and I'll make sure that I cover

42:16     them yeah Caitlin Cooley says vitamin D

42:20     helps ya a son is an amazing amazing

42:24     vitamin so you want to be outside as

42:26     much as possible for all temperaments

42:28     okay I hope you have a wonderful week

42:31     out this was helpful to you and

42:33     next week I don't know if you're up here

42:35     with me and exit I can't remember where

42:37     we're talking about but anyway when you

42:43     live in a place where the Sun does not

42:44     oh yeah when you live in it she says

42:46     when you live in a place where there's

42:48     not a lot of Sun agreed I Oh Mindy helps

42:50     for sure okay I think that's all okay

42:53     sounds great week you guys have a good

42:55     have a good day see you later bye

English (auto-generated)    


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Listen to "Episode 125 - Temperaments: The Empathetic Melancholic" on Spreaker.

 Related episodes:


Actual Rhythm Chart: click here

Free Resources: click here

Planning for Peace: click here

Biz Schooling: click here

Parents In Sync: click here 


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