"...the important thing for the melancholic [child] is that the teacher be people who have in a certain sense been tried by life, who act and speak on the basis of past trials."
Roberto Trostli, Rhythms of Learning (2017)
Related videos:
00:02 good morning everybody I'm Melissa
00:04 Nilson I'm Eric Nielsen good morning I
00:07 hope you had a wonderful weekend we're
00:10 gonna talk today about the empathetic
00:13 melancholic and but before we dive into
00:16 that just a couple quick announcements
00:19 we were 7 an email last week sort of
00:22 announcing because we're in partnership
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00:43 we'll go ahead and have another email
00:45 with that information today and that
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00:50 information as well so so yeah herb
00:55 ferry it's just a little bit for if you
00:56 have listing you're like I don't know
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01:41 have we've had our prairies for gosh we
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02:18 there's books there's audios of all the
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02:31 home and there's a section once more for
02:35 younger children that Saraya has love
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02:52 there's more like coloring pages and
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03:12 watch our feet we're gonna have some
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03:21 comment excited to hear this one I have
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03:29 family well alright everybody you're
03:32 ready
03:32 I think what's funny about the
03:34 melancholy is they have a lot of people
03:36 that say to me I'll be any temperament I
03:38 just don't want to be that one I'm like
03:41 okay so yeah a melancholy gets a bad rap
03:44 because I think that when they're
03:48 unbalanced they they might be or at
03:52 least they might feel like it it may be
03:54 an it's our culture and sort of how we
03:56 look at sadness they might be like the
03:58 the hardest one to work through but I
04:02 also think that when you look at the
04:04 positive signs of the melancholy of the
04:06 melancholy I think that they're also one
04:09 of the most beautiful temperaments
04:10 because that's where we you know we gain
04:13 so much empathy and can learn about how
04:17 to have proper empathy by watching a
04:20 balanced melancholy haven't bethey you
04:23 know and and
04:24 care for somebody and I think that you
04:28 know those are kind of like the florence
04:29 Nightingale's of our culture and the
04:31 people that dive in are now ready to
04:33 help and and really thrive on being able
04:36 to help that's actually how the
04:37 melancholy stays balanced is on helping
04:40 others and and really being able to show
04:43 up for others and and be a good
04:46 reflection for them as they need it but
04:48 I think that where it starts to go arise
04:50 that there aren't balanced then that's
04:53 why if people say I don't want to be
04:54 melancholy and I go oh you let's just
04:56 get you balanced and then you won't feel
04:58 like that it's unbalanced they can feel
05:01 they can be kind of draining on
05:03 another's but to be fair all
05:05 temperaments can be draining on others
05:07 with their own balance like all of that
05:09 I mean the unbalanced choleric could
05:11 just be shouting and yelling at
05:12 everybody knew I'd be like oh my gosh I
05:14 just can't handle that or the unbalanced
05:17 phlegmatic could can seem like they're
05:18 just to slide along and I know it's
05:22 angling could be jumping around so much
05:23 that it makes you tired just watching
05:25 her so I think that truly all
05:30 temperaments have those negative sides
05:32 and I think one thing that we'll do next
05:34 month is we start to head into me is one
05:37 of the first weeks for our Monday video
05:40 we're going to sum up sort of you
05:42 noticed we've gone through all of them I
05:43 think we'll just do like a summation of
05:46 them and sort of more how they work
05:48 together and the best ways to to you
05:52 know really approach each other I will
05:54 say that if you are so struggling we
05:57 have a free in our free resources
05:59 section we have a I had called
06:02 temperament parenting and it's in our
06:05 resources so if you are an Instagram
06:07 it's it's in our bio in our links in our
06:10 bio and if you're on Facebook Kelly will
06:13 drop the link for that as well so so
06:17 what would you say because we're gonna
06:19 talk mostly about anecdotal stuff that
06:22 we've learned what would you say is the
06:24 hardest part of an unbalanced melancholy
06:27 the hardest part of an unbalanced
06:29 melancholy is that they can tend to take
06:32 things personally that maybe other
06:37 - and then that can result in things
06:42 that are being done on a spider
06:43 passive-aggressive right I mean I think
06:45 that if you have anybody in your life
06:46 that is super spiteful or
06:48 passive-aggressive they're probably an
06:50 increment Kali I think a lot of people
06:53 come to me and say I think I'm a
06:55 choleric but then she talks she goes on
06:57 to talk about like how pathetic she is
06:59 and how sad she is I go no you're not I
07:02 mean most of the time I would say that
07:06 there is it they're just as angry
07:10 melancholy there's not a I don't believe
07:13 and again this is like the temperament
07:15 Gospel according to ELISA better than
07:18 all of the thousands of people I've
07:20 worked with so many of them face to face
07:22 and knowing them in real life and and
07:24 getting an opportunity to sort of
07:26 reflect for them I do not see the
07:30 choleric melancholy mix like ever what I
07:34 see is an angry melancholy and now I
07:37 think it's important to talk about sort
07:38 of the differences there so I choleric
07:41 the anger that you hear from a cleric
07:43 comes from a different place it's
07:46 generally not tied to emotion in the
07:49 same way that it is with the melancholy
07:51 so a melancholy is emotion and the anger
07:54 is about like why are you doing this to
07:56 me is all about you're doing it to me my
08:01 children don't mind me my partner
08:05 doesn't doesn't respect me the people
08:08 out there don't they're they don't show
08:10 what they're doing to me the Col Eric's
08:14 yelling does not come from that place
08:16 it's an it's got to get done of it yes
08:19 it's like I can't believe you're doing
08:21 that let's get busy this needs to go
08:23 like like you need to do this and you
08:25 need it I mean it's more like a
08:27 dictatorship if you could if you
08:29 couldn't really think about like
08:30 somebody just dictating to you you have
08:33 to do this and this
08:34 and then getting angry because you're
08:35 not doing that it's never because of
08:37 what you're doing to me and and so like
08:40 I think about my own anger when I when I
08:42 get angry and in an unbalanced place
08:44 it's definitely from a place of I can't
08:49 believe you're so dumb
08:51 this is from that place of like in it
08:54 and that's not right of course it's not
08:56 right but it definitely comes from that
08:58 place of intellect rather than ego being
09:02 that it's like in my head I cannot
09:05 fathom why you would do something like
09:07 that
09:08 and it's not about why you would do
09:10 something like that to me because in my
09:13 mind it's all about like you're doing it
09:15 to everybody and very rarely would it be
09:19 I can't believe she did that to me so I
09:23 think that if you think that you are a
09:25 melancholy choleric I'm just going to
09:27 say you're not especially if you are you
09:31 know if we're talking about all of these
09:32 other pieces of the melancholy now one
09:35 of the things that I absolutely love
09:36 about the malachite is all the other
09:38 thing that they have because they do
09:39 have this this ability to help others
09:44 from an incredibly selfless way and and
09:46 that's how you elements that's like the
09:49 best way to go the to be in that place
09:52 of feeling complete balance is to help
09:54 others because then you sort of have
09:55 this mimimi mirror that's staring at you
09:58 and you've turned it around and then
10:00 you're shining it out towards everybody
10:02 or children that that lean towards being
10:05 melancholy we are melancholic we at
10:09 least sometimes set up service
10:10 absolutely when they world it absolutely
10:14 helped I was thinking about because we
10:15 have two that are that are pretty
10:19 melancholy one that was definitely
10:22 melancholy sanguine as a child and now
10:24 he's kind of flipped and he has that
10:28 more imbalance and one that was sanguine
10:31 melancholy as a child and as she's
10:33 flipped and she's not in balance and so
10:36 it's about like sort of sorting that out
10:38 and she's working on that
10:40 but one of the things that he knows
10:41 because there's adult son that is that
10:43 was here with us this week
10:45 and he's got a lot of people in his life
10:49 so he's getting ready to move first kind
10:51 of his first time as an adult he's
10:53 moving out of state into you know moving
10:56 from each other to Washington and so
10:57 there he's he's got all of these things
11:00 that are stressors for him when he's
11:03 stressed The Melancholy comes out more
11:06 much much more because it's it's all
11:09 again about they need to make sure they
11:12 don't do this to me I need to not you
11:14 know I need to not be uncomfortable like
11:17 that kind of place of me me me and and
11:21 and you know I think the thankfully he
11:23 has enough of the other and him it
11:25 doesn't keep because he's got the same
11:27 when he doesn't stay in it it's like
11:28 it's it's moves along yeah but I think
11:32 that that was one thing I was really
11:34 paying attention to this weekend was he
11:36 he was on edge but and and more
11:39 melancholy than we've seen in the last
11:41 few bit visits but it was definitely
11:43 tied to the stresses that he has coming
11:46 so they don't tend to do great under
11:49 stress because it's it's because it's
11:54 all a personal attack it's all about how
11:55 I feel now if there are more balance
11:59 then they can absolutely rise to the
12:00 occasion they can help out and and
12:03 that's how they they sort of stay in
12:04 that place is by helping so you know
12:07 they're they're your first responders
12:09 often in a in a crisis they are you know
12:14 people that are helping in natural
12:16 disasters they're they're they're on the
12:18 front lines of your your church
12:20 organizations usually they're very much
12:22 very much a in a place of you know
12:27 wanting to be helpful and and they might
12:29 not consciously know that that keeps
12:31 them balanced but our son that we were
12:33 just talking about he in his childhood I
12:36 we were always like I could drop him off
12:38 at a service activity and he'd be
12:40 fighting mad and he'd come home happy
12:42 and cheerful and and so we were actually
12:46 he and I were actually talking about
12:47 that last a couple of weeks ago he's
12:49 like
12:49 I feel like there's something missing
12:51 right now and I said we always have
12:53 service and you know life when you lived
12:54 at home so you need to find a way to
12:56 serve and then you're not going to feel
12:57 the way you're feeling right now and he
12:59 was like thank you thank you we had this
13:01 great conversation and he was really
13:03 receptive to that because he doesn't
13:05 want to feel in that drained place okay
13:07 let's see we've got two comments here
13:10 Olivia I can't read that okay she says
13:14 do you have a recommended test to take I
13:17 don't actually and I'm gonna talk about
13:18 that in a minute she says to figure out
13:20 what time remai you are I don't I my
13:22 recommendation of study so we have we
13:25 have some resources there's some free
13:27 resources on our site and then if you're
13:29 one of our members we have a homeless
13:32 and that's dedicated to temperament the
13:34 reason why I don't like online tests is
13:36 because they're incredibly inaccurate a
13:39 lot of people will say oh I picked by an
13:42 eye pectin and it's perfect and
13:43 sometimes that happens but more often
13:45 than not it leads you down the wrong
13:46 path and it's just because it's a robot
13:49 it can't tell you exactly those nuances
13:52 that are yours and sort of like me
13:56 thinking that because I took that test
13:58 at Disneyland them mrs. incredible and
14:01 and yeah it asked me like ten questions
14:03 and I those ten questions that's the
14:05 that's the avatar that it gave me but
14:08 it's definitely not accurate when it
14:10 comes to everything let's see lemon says
14:12 so true about anger where it comes from
14:15 she says I'm melancholy I love you I
14:17 mean somehow you figure that out is by
14:20 asking yourself what motivates you
14:22 absolutely what motivates you like like
14:25 daily and then applying matic they get
14:28 motivated by comfort with the physical
14:30 comforter like just not going to be in
14:32 uncomfortable situations right Annabella
14:34 call it's often motivated by emotional
14:37 needs and choleric is motivated by any
14:42 chance tests I've done and the same is
14:44 motivated by whatever like the next
14:48 shiny object I was not gonna make
14:50 shinier so so no I think that that's
14:53 that's very true I think that
14:55 ask yourself like what motivates you
14:57 also the question say I tend to ask
14:59 people when they are when they're trying
15:01 to start this out it is one who are you
15:05 and your sick who are you and you're
15:07 angry who are you and your joy enjoy and
15:14 then when you are yelling at your
15:16 children where's that coming from
15:18 are you angry because of what they did
15:19 to you say I'm just saying your kids are
15:22 the mess I'm not angry because they did
15:23 them as to me I might say I just clean
15:27 this place but I don't take it like
15:28 personal as in you hurt me because you
15:33 ruined what I just cleaned I would be
15:35 more like I just cleaned this we're
15:37 working on it together that can it
15:38 cleaned up
15:40 public comments over here it says the
15:45 test led me down the right path this is
15:47 Lennon and she says I can figure out
15:49 pretty fast which the answers are which
15:51 temperament so I tried to pick the
15:52 answers that were the temperament that I
15:54 wanted to be yeah that's what generally
15:56 happens it just generally happens Dina
15:59 says I find my mouse can be extremely
16:01 selfish yes ma'am they can so when
16:04 they're unbalanced a melancholy can be
16:06 very selfish and and I think as they're
16:10 sort of seeking a place of balance if
16:14 you have been unbalanced as in you let
16:16 everybody walk all over you and then
16:18 you're just angry about it because they
16:21 do think that tends to happen they would
16:23 they tend to be more people pleaser
16:24 yeah then like then as soon as they tell
16:27 you that they want to do what you know
16:29 do for you as soon as you turn your back
16:30 on I can't believe her I can't believe
16:32 she did that to me so mean it so I'm
16:34 consider I don't like just on and on and
16:36 on rather than you know what I can't I
16:39 can't do that for you right now and so
16:42 so she has a problem with saying no and
16:45 because she has a problem with saying no
16:47 then she tends to be then very
16:50 passive-aggressive and it might not come
16:53 out at first especially if it's somebody
16:55 that she likes and she respects but it's
16:57 there it will come out eventually
17:00 I'm not seeing at what age do kids
17:04 reveal their time permit I think that
17:05 that's um
17:06 that's a tough one I think
17:07 of us know exactly what temperament our
17:09 children wore when they were born
17:12 and other children take a lot of time to
17:14 develop I also find that there are times
17:18 when things flop a little bit so our
17:20 kids that have the sanguine Melancholy
17:22 blend one was melancholy sanguine until
17:26 he was probably gosh he probably didn't
17:29 start to flip until he was like 16 yeah
17:31 I do think a lot of hit his situation's
17:35 environmental yeah because of my my
17:38 ex-husband is a pretty unbalanced
17:40 melancholy
17:41 he's a melancholic phlegmatic and so
17:44 that definitely when we're analysis
17:47 parents it definitely affects our
17:49 children in their balance for sure and
17:51 then my daughter that was saying when
17:54 melancholy she flipped probably about
17:56 the time of puberty I'm thinking 13 12
17:59 13 14 is when things started to really
18:02 flip for her so I think that you want to
18:04 watch whatever temperament you think
18:06 your children are and just sort of just
18:08 sort of work with what's showing up and
18:12 always be looking deeper because they
18:14 tend to change a bit she says I didn't
18:19 realize we flipped I figured that's what
18:21 we were born with so it's not about
18:23 flipping so much and in their case they
18:25 flipped for sure but but I think that's
18:27 because they were almost pretty evenly
18:29 split what happens is with with all of
18:33 this developmental changes that happen
18:35 in puberty the trueness comes out the
18:38 that that that true space comes becomes
18:41 then full full force so I don't think
18:44 it's about not being born with it that
18:46 way I do think because they do believe
18:47 that we show up this way and we show up
18:49 we are born with our temperament it
18:51 comes I believe it's attached to our
18:53 spirit but I believe that our
18:55 developmental spaces that happen at 3 6
18:58 9 and some kids you'll really be able to
19:00 paint really well at 9 12 15 18 all of
19:04 those three-year cycles they tend to
19:06 deepen our temperament and strengthen
19:08 our temperament and strengthen the
19:10 situation or the the direction that
19:12 we're going in you know as we become
19:15 adults and I think that that truly if
19:19 you look back
19:20 on the seeds of like a more adult child
19:24 if you look back on the seeds of that
19:26 child you will definitely see those
19:29 seeds because ours that flip I
19:31 definitely can look back at both of them
19:34 and see seeds of the strength of the
19:36 temperament that they have now in their
19:38 early childhood and like in very much
19:42 I just think about what a monkey Jacob
19:44 was like she was all over everything and
19:46 he went from thing the thing the thing
19:48 and and he was super super sanguine and
19:52 then it started to flip when he was
19:55 younger
19:56 so just sort of be an observer and and
19:59 work with what's showing up for you and
20:01 for your child okay Becca says that's
20:04 such a great description of how each
20:05 type is motivated thank you very thank
20:09 you
20:10 I know I included him for now I think
20:14 that um I think that like I said I think
20:19 that this temperament gets a bad rap and
20:21 and I think that it we really have to
20:24 like encompass the fullness of it and
20:26 and really see the beauty that's that's
20:28 on this on both sides I think that the
20:32 the pairings like as in like being
20:35 married that are going to be the hardest
20:37 would be a choleric melancholy pairing
20:41 because I think there'll be a lot of
20:43 struggle and I think there's a tendency
20:45 for the choleric if they're unbalanced
20:47 to overpower the melancholy
20:50 I definitely think in my marriage with
20:52 my ex-husband Michael air was showing
20:54 much more but a lot of it because it was
20:57 because I just I needed more I needed
21:00 more and they were in melancholy
21:02 melancholy and flight medics have will
21:05 issue that their will needs to be built
21:07 up because they have low will and the
21:10 sanguine and that the choleric have like
21:12 a will in abundance that needs to be
21:14 tamed and so I remember always feeling
21:19 like I needed more and it did more and
21:21 because of that I overcompensated for
21:24 and not in a healthy way
21:26 and then absolutely you
21:30 works on how both people show up so I
21:32 think that there if you're both balanced
21:35 I think that it can be a beautiful match
21:37 but if anybody's unbalanced this would
21:40 be really hard I think that melancholy
21:43 is tend to be the temperament that goes
21:46 through depression the most and and I
21:49 don't think that I'm gonna talking about
21:52 postpartum depression or anything like
21:53 that because I think that kind of
21:54 hormonal depression affects anybody but
21:57 I think that as far as like looking at
21:59 the glasses how empty this we're sure
22:02 part but that's a melancholy and
22:05 phlegmatic trade I'm looking at the
22:06 glass half empty and and you might say
22:10 that
22:10 well we're bring more more realistic
22:12 we're more pragmatic or we're more I'm
22:14 like no you're not there's a difference
22:17 but that's just like the overly
22:19 optimistic part of me that's like no you
22:22 can't think like that so I think that
22:26 another pairing that can be hard is if a
22:31 if a melancholy is melancholy with the
22:33 phlegmatic and her tone if she marries
22:36 or gets with somebody who's phlegmatic
22:38 with a melancholy undertone
22:40 because then y'all are gonna be sad and
22:41 lazy all the time and that's gonna be
22:43 really hard for you not going to have
22:44 that off let's see daddy says that's
22:47 interesting i'm choleric and my husband
22:50 is melancholic but most of the time we
22:52 just balance each other out I think that
22:54 if you're both balanced I think that
22:56 that can be a beautiful pairing any of
22:58 them can be I mean I really think that
23:00 any two temperaments can go together but
23:02 you really have to be good at like how
23:06 your your showing up and how they're
23:08 showing it I mean I think that like for
23:11 instance we're both very different when
23:13 we're sick Eric likes to hide he likes
23:17 to get comfortable and and I know he
23:20 likes to be comfortable so because I am
23:23 working every day to be balanced I'll
23:25 say is there anything I do to make you
23:26 more comfortable me I'm like Tim I'm so
23:29 mad that I'm sick I get mad that I'm
23:33 sick and in resting while I'm sick it's
23:36 like really hard for me really hard for
23:39 me
23:40 let's see somebody says have you studied
23:43 miners brakes okay so yes so if you if
23:45 you missed our other our other videos I
23:48 would suggest you go back and you watch
23:50 those because we covering all the
23:52 temperaments and we talked extensively
23:53 about me and I extensively but a lot
23:56 about myers-briggs so this is what I
23:58 believe I believe your temperament is
24:01 attached to your soul that you show up
24:03 here with that and myers-briggs that the
24:06 personality type is attached to your
24:08 body it's attached to how we show up
24:10 here so it sort of sits on top I do
24:12 believe they can work well together we
24:15 have a business coach that does
24:16 extensively and exclusively myers-briggs
24:19 and and I love you know I think he's
24:23 great coach but I go man if you could
24:24 just get temperament in there too that
24:27 would totally it totally opens up the
24:29 door even more when you understand both
24:31 because here's the thing with
24:33 myers-briggs I show introverted but I'm
24:37 an eclair ik and so people want to just
24:39 take that and you can't take that just
24:41 that you have to look at both
24:42 it's okay both so let's see I think I
24:47 got a lot I think we're good there Oh is
24:51 there anything else
24:51 oh this that's all right let's see yep
24:57 okay let's see hold on Oh gets more this
25:01 is communication is the key yes ma'am it
25:03 is this is Becca she says because if
25:06 you're opposed but if you're opposites
25:09 excuse me if you're opposites that's
25:13 easy to resent or judge or not sitting
25:16 or sit in not understanding the opposite
25:19 if you're similar it's hard to get the
25:22 pieces neither of you get yeah let's see
25:26 what else it says that's long it's
25:30 really comes down to self awareness yes
25:32 it does being brutally honest about
25:35 yourself to yourself yes it does and
25:39 willing to be flexible and open I've
25:41 really found that to be true with our
25:43 marriage in using the old if Essentials
25:45 program thank you so much for saying
25:47 that I think that anne-marie says the
25:50 Enneagram does both on many
25:53 yeah and marina was talking about that
25:55 the Enneagram stuff that she feels like
25:57 it does Paul I have not studied that a
25:59 lot yet so I don't have an opinion on
26:01 that but but I do think that that you
26:04 that it is different it's different than
26:07 the myers-briggs for sure and and
26:09 definitely what Becca says I think if we
26:11 have to be brutally honest if we're on
26:13 this path anyway and we're on this path
26:15 of inner work and and trying to show up
26:18 as our best selves then that means we
26:20 look at the the bad and the ugly
26:22 sometimes
26:23 it's not fun but but but it's definitely
26:28 something that we that we have to do we
26:31 have to we have to look at it and then I
26:32 think that what happens is as we look at
26:35 ourselves more then we open up for our
26:38 children and for those that were around
26:41 us
26:42 we're when we're aware of what what's
26:45 moving us right I mean what's pushing us
26:48 moving is motivating us and what's
26:51 causing us to react to certain things
26:53 and we can navigate it for ourselves
26:54 better right and then that makes us more
26:58 balanced and the unbalanced stuff
27:01 doesn't go take you to an instructor
27:04 path nah that's totally it can be
27:06 destructive if you're not and I think
27:08 what tends to happen at first is that we
27:12 start to learn about temperament and
27:13 then we just want to go judge everybody
27:15 else yeah but we have to make sure that
27:18 as we're learning about everybody else
27:20 that were continually a mirror for
27:24 ourselves continually let's see have a
27:29 get another one over here Jackie says
27:32 yes I'm choleric and an introvert but
27:34 many people do not believe I'm an
27:35 introvert because of my clerics Turk yes
27:37 ma'am I actually when I took the Myers
27:39 brakes tonight and I came up introverted
27:41 and then I sat with it I thought well
27:43 yeah because I might be loud and I know
27:49 in a leader position often but but being
27:52 around people exhausts me exhausts me
27:55 and I have to recharge let's see
27:58 she says I'm pretty sure I'm sanguine
28:01 but not so
28:02 life of the party or have or to have a
28:05 party maybe it's myers-briggs ENFP that
28:08 makes me feel sync when I need to study
28:10 more
28:11 yeah I think that no way you would know
28:14 you're sanguine is if you have 10 books
28:17 on read on your bedside or you've read
28:21 like three chapters of each one or you
28:23 have you know like six knitting projects
28:26 that are that you can't make yourself
28:28 finish or you've got your or lessons for
28:31 your kids all planned for the year but
28:33 you're still like if you're looking your
28:34 lesson plan so you haven't been able to
28:35 finish any of them that's how you would
28:37 know it's just that that's yep that's
28:41 how you wouldn't know that you're
28:42 probably sing good The Melancholy when
28:44 it comes to sort of let's see whole but
28:48 Danny says at least people who don't
28:51 know me well yeah I think that the
28:54 melancholy the way she shows up for
28:56 school and I see this often she will
28:59 often be worried about starting because
29:02 she is so where she can't do it right
29:04 yeah so that comes from a like I think
29:07 the melancholy moms they wear the mom
29:09 guilt badge like better than anybody
29:12 else they're constantly worried about
29:14 their children constantly worried that
29:16 that they've either done something wrong
29:20 or that they're doing it wrong all the
29:23 time and so and I see that in melancholy
29:27 moms and in phlegmatic melancholy moms I
29:29 think that phlegmatic melancholy is a
29:30 hard combination in in a you know in a
29:35 person because the the phlegmatic that
29:37 doesn't want to be uncomfortable so it's
29:39 the harder fit on the start yeah but the
29:42 melancholy doesn't want to screw it up
29:43 so and and your temperament already is
29:46 that I'm oli gonna do it if I know I can
29:48 do it right so you've got like the
29:50 perfectionist streak there and then the
29:52 melancholy is got the perfectionist Rick
29:53 I know I if I can't do it exactly the
29:57 way I want I don't want to do it anyway
29:59 because I'll do it wrong and so that
30:01 that's a hard that's a hard one to have
30:03 to be side by side but I think that when
30:07 it comes to the melancholy mom I would
30:09 say do your school planning like we're
30:12 getting ready to make
30:13 planning for peace announcement this
30:14 week and we'll talk about all the times
30:16 that will be that what we going so I
30:19 think we're gonna do that announcement
30:20 on Thursday morning but I don't call me
30:24 yet because I don't know well watch the
30:25 announcements we'll have them up I think
30:29 that you do your school planning you you
30:32 be brutally honest about the things that
30:34 you need and then as you are going
30:38 through your school year you make sure
30:39 that you've got all the say that so
30:41 you're comfortable so you feel
30:42 comfortable and you feel good about what
30:44 you're presenting so you're you're going
30:46 to probably study more than another mom
30:49 would and that's okay
30:50 give yourself plenty of time because
30:53 what will happen is if you don't then
30:55 you're going to feel like you're failing
30:56 constantly and and if you are in that
30:59 space where you think you're failing
31:00 constantly I'm just gonna tie it you're
31:02 not so just it's okay
31:04 we'll have yourself a little bit more
31:06 you're not failing constantly that's one
31:09 view comments here Kailyn says I'm
31:11 always listening to the five audio but
31:13 to five audiobooks at the same time and
31:15 the podcasting me tweeting oh how you do
31:17 that I don't know how you do that we
31:21 have a son that is very decidedly fling
31:23 our adult our oldest is very flag Matic
31:26 with a good dose of England he can play
31:29 a video game listen to podcast i watch
31:31 TV show at the same time i at the same
31:34 time I'm the Hank does that and no one's
31:36 worried that I needs one of them I don't
31:39 know about that
31:39 let's see Caitlin also says that's me
31:43 mom guilt is so hard I don't want to do
31:46 something unless I think it can be
31:48 perfect embraces the inner work that we
31:51 are all doing we'll bring up a lot of
31:53 stuff about ourselves and we must be
31:55 forgiving and encouraging to one another
31:58 especially ourselves it's easy to see
32:01 our faults but sing good ah what
32:05 happened
32:06 did I do that there we go it's easy to
32:10 see our where did it go
32:16 sorry I pushed a button then I just
32:19 pushed it again what happened push
32:22 another button
32:24 no oh no oh they're a gambler oh my
32:32 goodness you guys technology sometimes
32:33 it's important to take the information
32:35 and also make sure to take all the good
32:38 that we have to don't dwell on the
32:40 weaknesses as much but beginning to see
32:42 your strengths - absolutely I think that
32:45 whenever anybody anybody says to me I
32:47 don't want to be that temperament I go
32:48 okay let's look at all the positives
32:50 before we start I'm thinking about the
32:52 negatives because you know we've talked
32:54 about this before we are and I'll read
32:57 those in just a second we are almost
33:00 completely programmed by our environment
33:03 by the time were seven so if we have
33:06 been in a place where we've had somebody
33:08 say to us you need to stop crying
33:10 or stop being so emotional or all of
33:12 that our entire lives
33:13 then we're holding onto that and we are
33:16 that's the only way we know how to show
33:18 up and so we have to really work at what
33:22 needs are being filled by me being
33:25 unbalanced how do i balance and how do i
33:28 look at the good things that I bring to
33:30 so that we are taking that that that
33:33 subconscious programming that was
33:35 happening as as we were children as we
33:37 were growing and we're replacing that
33:40 with goodness we're replacing that with
33:43 you know the best place pieces for us to
33:46 show up and that takes time and it
33:49 definitely takes a lot of study and it
33:51 takes being very deliberate about it and
33:54 you know when it comes to anything
33:56 whether it be blocks about you you don't
33:59 have good friendships or blocks about
34:01 money or blocks about I you know I
34:03 always attract their own people or I can
34:05 never do this anything like that and
34:07 that goes across the board for all
34:09 temperaments but we have to look at the
34:12 best pieces of our temperament and be
34:15 able to walk forward with them let me
34:17 grab a couple more over here and then
34:18 there's some over there just what
34:20 Beckett says one of my best friend
34:21 is melancholy we have found what we
34:24 found is that she is also the mom who
34:26 will do things 1,000% to make sure it's
34:28 done absolutely the best and rocks it
34:31 out of the park once she gathers her
34:33 motivation because she's hyper aware of
34:38 her children's emotions around whatever
34:40 she is wanting to do very much so I
34:43 think that there's a lot of moms with
34:47 special needs our moms that have kids
34:48 with special needs and I we have kids
34:51 with special needs and I know how much I
34:53 beat myself up I know that those
34:55 melancholy moms I have kids too special
34:57 needs they're beating themselves I
34:58 wonder dolls anymore than I am yeah
35:00 because they're so but you don't want to
35:03 do anything wrong you you're hyper aware
35:05 whether or not they be eaten in the
35:07 whether or not they slept enough and
35:08 whether you know what supplements are
35:09 taking and while I'm aware of that I
35:12 don't take it from this emotional place
35:14 but you take it all on
35:16 so mom take breaks yeah to make sure you
35:19 take breaks I would say also The
35:21 Melancholy mom will never get a
35:23 babysitter she will really beat herself
35:24 up about a babysitter and that will be
35:27 your detriment so like health-wise so I
35:32 want you to be in a place where you are
35:34 willing to look for somebody that will
35:38 help care for your children as not as
35:40 well as you can but at least to your
35:42 standard let's see Becca says she's also
35:46 really great at keeping a pulse on her
35:50 children's feelings and self-esteem dagi
35:52 says ideas to help a very melancholy
35:54 nine-year-old who very much does not
35:56 want to come down to earth very much
35:58 living in the world of unicorns fairies
36:00 angels being nine is so painful for her
36:03 well one I would say let her live in
36:05 that world because being magical is a
36:09 good thing too I would start getting her
36:13 into doing some service projects you
36:17 know look I don't if you're part of a
36:19 church you should look at that if you're
36:21 not look at some so
36:22 organizations there's a website called
36:24 just serve and they most of the
36:27 opportunities are usually for adults but
36:29 you can sometimes find some on there for
36:31 children and it might be something as
36:33 simple as walking a neighbor's dog for
36:35 them helping and they burn with their
36:36 gardening helping you know something
36:38 very simple when our daughter was nine
36:42 our our oldest daughter she really
36:45 struggled like she was like suicidal at
36:48 night I used to remember we worried
36:50 about her so much because she was she is
36:53 taking everything in the 90 or changed
36:56 for kids that are melancholy is I think
36:58 really rocky really hard and in it was
37:03 it was then that we were really making
37:06 sure that she had enough enough service
37:10 like she went and made quilts with old
37:12 ladies at our church that were quotes
37:15 that were sent to refugees something
37:18 like that they were they were they were
37:20 they were they were it was something
37:21 bigger much bigger than her yeah she
37:24 needed something that was much bigger
37:25 than her and sort of having that it
37:28 would fill her bucket and she went for a
37:30 while when she was really struggling
37:32 she went twice a week and it's because
37:35 one would just get her to the next one
37:36 and she knew that the she could go and
37:38 be encircled by those older ladies that
37:40 were there making quilts and she could
37:42 be encircled by their love and she could
37:45 do something that was then service
37:47 oriented for somebody else and being
37:50 able to turn that mirror around because
37:51 that mirrors is that they're looking in
37:54 that mirror that says I am not worthy I
37:55 am stupid I you know I'm all of those
38:00 bad things that we say to ourselves and
38:02 that you turn that mirror around and
38:05 reflect it to the world so that mirror
38:07 then can be I can't help this person I
38:10 can help that person and while I might
38:11 be struggling when I have this person I
38:13 feel better when I help that person I
38:15 feel better when I do this and it's not
38:17 enough to have them serve you you have
38:21 to have them serve somebody else
38:25 it has to be somebody outside your home
38:27 it can't be it cannot be somebody in
38:29 your home it just doesn't work that way
38:31 let's see over here we have mm this bump
38:37 says now I just need to figure out my
38:39 secondary any tips for getting motivated
38:43 as a melancholy well if you're having
38:48 trouble really with motivation then your
38:50 your secondary might be like manic yeah
38:55 but I would say what what makes you
38:58 happy what makes you happy that should
39:00 motivate you you know what makes you get
39:03 out of bed everyday now if you're if
39:05 you're really struggling with depression
39:06 you might be thinking to me or saying to
39:08 me lady I'm only out of bed right now
39:10 because of my children start there
39:13 start there get out every day I think
39:17 that melancholy I think all all
39:20 temperaments need to make rules for
39:21 themselves like non-negotiable rules but
39:24 in it as far as like those rules I mean
39:27 they keep us on the straight and narrow
39:30 like huge bus balanced and and those
39:33 rules might be like it's a choleric one
39:37 of my rules is that because I like to
39:39 control everything one of my roles is
39:44 that I I have to let my children help me
39:46 regularly because otherwise I will just
39:51 like just get over I'll to it and and a
39:55 part of that is I don't want the mess
39:56 that comes from them helping me and I
39:58 can do it faster and better and so I
40:01 have to let my children help me like the
40:03 choleric mom would do everybody's chores
40:06 and then me pissed off that she was
40:09 doing all the chores not mad that people
40:11 were doing it to her but just mad that
40:13 she was doing everything and so you know
40:15 our challenge is to teach others and to
40:19 slow down the melancholy mom will do
40:22 everything for her children because she
40:24 doesn't want to inconvenience them
40:26 two things that that's the best for them
40:28 to not have to do any chores when it's
40:30 actually back work you have to help
40:33 children to do those things so you want
40:35 to look at sort of the path that you're
40:37 on to balancing and think about some
40:40 non-negotiables for yourself and and you
40:43 know I would say The Melancholy mom has
40:45 to get out in the sunshine as often as
40:48 possible if you are living someplace
40:50 where seasonal affective disorder is
40:53 rampant you want to make sure that you
40:56 have those daylight bulbs inside and
40:58 that you are getting as much candlelight
41:01 as possible in the darker months because
41:03 the candle the light of a beeswax candle
41:05 emanates the light of the Sun emanates
41:09 that's not the word is like the light of
41:12 the Sun yeah I had a stroke a few years
41:14 ago but sometimes the words just don't
41:16 kind of think of the right synonym for
41:18 them massa let's see
41:22 Becca says we have a service fairy at
41:25 our church she's 10 and also in the
41:28 magical world so yeah I think that we
41:30 want to keep children magical as long as
41:32 possible
41:33 I think that's all of them okay so I
41:36 think that's everything does anybody
41:38 else have any questions as we wrap
41:39 things up here we could talk about this
41:42 forever and so what I'm going to invite
41:45 you to do is write down your questions
41:47 if you're thinking feeling willing
41:48 member I want you to hop onto this the
41:50 new support group and pop the quite your
41:53 questions in the temperament section and
41:56 we can talk about it there if you are
41:58 not a thinking feeling willing member
42:00 hang on to your questions and only do
42:02 our summation of the temperaments which
42:04 is not going to be next week is probably
42:06 the week after then you know then you
42:10 can bring them to that session and we'll
42:11 talk about them then or you're welcome
42:13 to message them danyoung me message them
42:15 to me and I'll make sure that I cover
42:16 them yeah Caitlin Cooley says vitamin D
42:20 helps ya a son is an amazing amazing
42:24 vitamin so you want to be outside as
42:26 much as possible for all temperaments
42:28 okay I hope you have a wonderful week
42:31 out this was helpful to you and
42:33 next week I don't know if you're up here
42:35 with me and exit I can't remember where
42:37 we're talking about but anyway when you
42:43 live in a place where the Sun does not
42:44 oh yeah when you live in it she says
42:46 when you live in a place where there's
42:48 not a lot of Sun agreed I Oh Mindy helps
42:50 for sure okay I think that's all okay
42:53 sounds great week you guys have a good
42:55 have a good day see you later bye
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Listen to "Episode 125 - Temperaments: The Empathetic Melancholic" on Spreaker.
Related episodes:
Actual Rhythm Chart: click here
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Parents In Sync: click here
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